Life Changing

On December 29th, 2011 my entire life changed.

I always imagined when I found out I was pregnant it would be with my husband, in our house crying tears of a joy. I never thought it would be 23, in graduate school and unmarried. Life happens.

After spotting and cramping for 5 days I decided to take a test to make myself feel better, a way to make myself chill out because I'd never been late like this before. Literally the second the pee hit that stick there was no mistake that it was positive. My entire world stopped. All I could think about was not passing out and hitting my head on the bathroom sink. The second more surprising thought was get mom.

Her reaction was similar to my own, asking me a thousand questions, what was what was I going to do about school? How was I going to do this? How did I manage to do this? How was I going to tell Matt? All I could answer through tears was;

"I don't know."

A whole new rush of emotions took over. I felt sick, guilty, shocked, horror and grief. Everything I never thought I would feel finding out I was pregnant. I hated myself for feeling that way.

One thing I knew for sure was that this teeny tiny being was growing at breakneck speed inside of me, and that teeny tiny being making me feel sick was mine.

I kept this secret to myself and my mom, I needed to until I had a plan. Within the first 5 days of knowing I had talked to the dean of my program and had figured out a schedule for once the baby was born and had spoken to my OB/GYN making a doctors appointment and starting prenatal vitamins. I was irresponsible getting pregnant I sure as hell wasn't going to be an irresponsible pregnant woman and mother.

The hardest part was telling Matt and my Dad. I told Matt a week from when I found out myself, making me a little over 5 weeks along. I didn't want to tell him because I didn't want him to feel how I was feeling. I didn't want to be ruining his life. I prepared myself for him kicking me out of his apartment and telling me he wanted nothing to do with me or our baby. I ran it over and over again in my brain sitting on his couch while we were curled up watching TV. One of the first things he had told me when we had met was that he didn't like serious conversations....this was more than serious. I even started it that way when I finally got up the courage.

"I know you don't like serious conversations, but I need to talk to you about this."

"Do I need to get a drink before you tell me?"

"Yeah."

I came right out with it. He looked at me and I thought about where my shoes were so I could get the hell out of there. Instead he did the exact opposite. He wrapped me up and kissed my forehead and said we were going to be parents. That made me cry harder, and it makes me cry writing this. For the last week I had felt so alone and had prepared myself to be doing it by myself and this incredible man just held me and was going to do this by my side.

Feeling that relief of having Matt there made me feel better. But I still felt this guilt. More than any other emotion I felt was this feeling of overwhelming guilt. I felt guilty to be putting my parents through this. I know that they expect so much more from me, I felt like I let them down as a daughter. Even though both my mom and dad told me they didn't feel that way, I still felt this guilt. I felt guilty because this was an accident when I know my parents tried 10 years to have me, and there are countless other people I know who tried for a very long time to start a family, and here I was, not trying, and ended up pregnant. It made me feel like a bad person because this wasn't what I wanted now. I felt guilty about Matt, I didn't want him to feel like his life was over or have any sort of resentment towards me or the baby. I know that he chose to stick by our sides and was an equal participant in making the baby...I just still felt like it was all my fault.  The most guilt I felt was about the baby. I know that the baby didn't ask to be here, the baby didn't ask to be put in this situation. This wasn't the position I wanted to be in bringing this baby into the world. I was so heartbroken that I couldn't give the baby married parents, a house, a stable job with enough money. And that killed me. I cried myself to sleep for weeks feeling guilty, never feeling guilt for my own life, but everyone that I touched. I know that this is a normal feeling in pregnancy, but I didn't want anything but the best for everyone that I love in my life.

I know that God only gives you as much as you can handle. I also know that babies are blessings and gifts. I know that this is happening to me right now for a reason, and this is exactly when this baby was supposed to be here even if it doesn't quite feel like it yet. I cried to mom telling her how sad I was because I wasn't giving the baby the same childhood I had. Mom asked me what it was about my childhood that made it so incredible. I told her that it was spending time with my parents, being with my grandparents, having life long friends and being surrounded by love. Mom asked me what she thought was going to happen with this baby? This baby would be surrounded by love, have both parents, spend time with its grandparents and have a ton of friends. She reminded me that even in the most ideal situation parents break up, jobs are loss and tragedies happen. But this child will be loved, so incredibly loved. Not only that but I have been raised by the most incredible parents. I am ready for the challenge.