Day one of positive only. I love it. I want Scarlett to be surrounded by only good. Even though she buried deep inside me, I don't want her to ever feel that she was grown under anything but happiness and love. I don't ever want her to feel sad ever. Now this is completely unavoidable, but while she's in me, she will know nothing but happiness.
I had to be up at 4:30am for work today, I'm still no where near a morning person. But it's not to terrible when I know I'm going to spend the day in the ER. I honestly feel the best right now there. It's 10 hours of complete, uninterrupted bliss. I focus on the task and my colleagues around me. Despite being such a crazy ass place it keeps me grounded. I did my "what I'm grateful for" today, not that I don't pray and thank God every day for all of the good and bad things in my life, but stopping and taking a moment to think of something I'm thankful/grateful for. Every day I need to think of something new.
Morning: Thankful for the absolutely beautiful spring sunrise. It was one of those sorbet mornings with every bird in the vicinity belting it out.
Afternoon: So excited and grateful for one of the most wonderful men I know getting his second child in November. I know how much he and his wife wanted another baby, and after all of their infertility problems with their first, this is the most incredible surprise.
Night: Feeling Scarlett doing her twists and turns (right now) while writing about my happiness. I love feeling her stretch while I'm doing something other than laying in bed.
I had a great conversation today with the doc I was working with, not that him and I don't always have great heart to hearts, but this one was something else. We somehow came on how when people first find out I'm expecting their first question is "are your parents pissed?" I find this a really interesting first question. I say "no" because they're not. I'm 23 years old and will almost be done with my graduate program when she's born. I've accomplished more academically in my last 23 years than most have in their lifetime. It's not like I'm 16 in high school or 18 and a freshmen in undergrad. I looked at him and said "If at 23 and in grad school this is the worst thing I've done, I'm doing pretty good." his response was so genuine and took me a second to realize what I had said. "You didn't do anything thing bad, this isn't a bad thing, this is a great thing." And it's true. There is nothing bad about bringing a new human into this world. One who is being born into a family that loves her. She will make my life so rich and complete. What more could I honestly ask for in life?
I know that I wanted a few more years before bringing her into this world. A little more time to finish school and solidify my life. But life has different plans. New life comes to be exactly when it's meant to. She's meant to be here now and not in 5 years. I'm not sure why yet, but I will when I meet her. She'll make her entrance on her terms, kicking, screaming and lighting up my life. I am so excited to meet this little lady I've been smuggling for almost 6 months.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Positivity - 21 weeks 6 days
Last day of week 21. It's been an emotionally challenging week for me. It's probably the combination of finals, work and topped off with those wonderful pregnancy hormones. I can make it maybe 24 hours without sobbing. As a girl I'm already handicapped by hormones, but I swear adding those extra pregnancy surges...blech. I go from being completely rational to 180 degrees of irrational and inconsolable. How someone my size can make so many tears is beyond me.
I am mostly myself though. The usual disgustingly happy, giggly, talking way too much and a powerhouse.
I don't like being in these funks. I don't do sad or upset very well. And I'm upset about things that normally wouldn't get to me at all. Mostly anyway. Some are legit, but even legit, normally I wouldn't get quite so worked up. (Typically resolved with a good cry and a coke icee).
I'm a very positive person, I've always been. Very much glass half full kind of person. So I really don't like feeling negative. To counteract this nonsense I've decided to write down 3x a day something I'm grateful for, something as simple as; "I'm thankful for coke icees" or more meaningful, "I'm grateful for a the health of my family." Sometimes I need to put things back into perspective. More so now than ever.
Despite the crazy that is pregnant Alexandra Paige, Scarlett is doing great. I now feel her moving all of the time. It's such a weird feeling having her kick, punch, roll and body slam. I love knowing that she is healthy and strong. Whenever I need a pick me up I just lay down my hands on my belly and feel her doing ballet. She also has a thing for being up at night. She'll wake me up at 1am or 4am doing acrobatics. I actually told her to go back to sleep last night. I've been having a lot of crazy-ass nightmares the past few weeks, I wonder if when I wake up from them she does too, or if she's already awake.
I've got some pictures of my now expanding waist line. Still looking a bit like I've ate too many donuts, but kinda like I'm pregnant. Kinda.
Maternity clothes? Wearing some maternity t-shirts. Not so much because I need them, because I have them.
Stretch marks? Not yet, but I'm sure they're coming
Sleep: A lot of nightmares and waking up to her tumbling
Best moment this week: Going to see Titanic in 3D IMAX with Amy
Miss Anything? I'm missing diet coke, regular coke just isn't cutting it
Movement: Tons, all day every day. I love it...usually
Food cravings: Coke icees, I need burger king frequent flyer points
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope not this week
Gender: Scarlett!
Labor Signs: I would be horrified if I did
Symptoms: So emotional.
Belly Button in or out? Still pretty far in, however I feel like it's shallower
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy more than anything else. However, super emotional this week
Looking forward to: Work tomorrow actually.
I am mostly myself though. The usual disgustingly happy, giggly, talking way too much and a powerhouse.
I don't like being in these funks. I don't do sad or upset very well. And I'm upset about things that normally wouldn't get to me at all. Mostly anyway. Some are legit, but even legit, normally I wouldn't get quite so worked up. (Typically resolved with a good cry and a coke icee).
I'm a very positive person, I've always been. Very much glass half full kind of person. So I really don't like feeling negative. To counteract this nonsense I've decided to write down 3x a day something I'm grateful for, something as simple as; "I'm thankful for coke icees" or more meaningful, "I'm grateful for a the health of my family." Sometimes I need to put things back into perspective. More so now than ever.
Despite the crazy that is pregnant Alexandra Paige, Scarlett is doing great. I now feel her moving all of the time. It's such a weird feeling having her kick, punch, roll and body slam. I love knowing that she is healthy and strong. Whenever I need a pick me up I just lay down my hands on my belly and feel her doing ballet. She also has a thing for being up at night. She'll wake me up at 1am or 4am doing acrobatics. I actually told her to go back to sleep last night. I've been having a lot of crazy-ass nightmares the past few weeks, I wonder if when I wake up from them she does too, or if she's already awake.
I've got some pictures of my now expanding waist line. Still looking a bit like I've ate too many donuts, but kinda like I'm pregnant. Kinda.
How far along? 21 weeks 6 days
Total weight gain: 6 1/2lbs as of 19 weeksMaternity clothes? Wearing some maternity t-shirts. Not so much because I need them, because I have them.
Stretch marks? Not yet, but I'm sure they're coming
Sleep: A lot of nightmares and waking up to her tumbling
Best moment this week: Going to see Titanic in 3D IMAX with Amy
Miss Anything? I'm missing diet coke, regular coke just isn't cutting it
Movement: Tons, all day every day. I love it...usually
Food cravings: Coke icees, I need burger king frequent flyer points
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope not this week
Gender: Scarlett!
Labor Signs: I would be horrified if I did
Symptoms: So emotional.
Belly Button in or out? Still pretty far in, however I feel like it's shallower
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy more than anything else. However, super emotional this week
Looking forward to: Work tomorrow actually.
Friday, April 20, 2012
It's a....wait? - 20 weeks 5 days
A week ago we found out the sex of the baby. I was surprisingly nervous about the whole ultrasound, more or less talk too much, eat too much sugar....pretty typical Alexandra anxiety. Our US was at 8:30am so Matt and I trekked out to Evanston bright and early. While waiting for the tech to prepare the US I was talking to Matt, referring to Z as a boy, which I've been doing for the last 5 weeks. The tech asked if we knew the sex of the baby since I was referring to Z as a boy, I told her no but I just knew in my bones that he was in fact a boy. She asked if we wanted to know for sure, we of course said uh duh.
Maternity clothes? Still on the no jeans kick, purely leggings and shirts I've already owned
Stretch marks? Not yet, I'm trying to gain weight slowly so hopefully my body will stretch adequately
Sleep: Sleeping like a champ.
Best moment this week: Finding out that the baby is a girl. Matt getting kicked by his daughter for the first time, I'm happy he finally got to feel her.
Miss Anything? Sushi, omg do I miss sushi.
Movement: She's a busy girl, I notice her mostly at night when I'm laying down. I was up at 4:30 this morning because of a nightmare, she was kicking up a storm for about an hour before I fell asleep again.
Food cravings: Coke, the kind you drink, not snort.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Watching a baby being born in clinical, it was horrific and I wanted to gag.
Gender: Baby girl it is :)
Labor Signs: None thank God.
Symptoms: Stuffy nose, emotional...that's really it. Most days I don't feel pregnant.
Belly Button in or out? It's in, I don't think it'll pop out.
Happy or Moody most of the time: I sway between happy/content and sad. It just depends on the day and time.
Looking forward to: Sushi in 19 weeks, I really want sushi. And a healthy baby of course
She first measured the baby's head and brain (all looked great, all the parts of the brain are there and intact), then the heartbeat clocking in at 158bpm. Baby's legs were completely sprawled open...."Well, looks like it's a girl!" My response first was looking at Matt going "Oh Matthew!" then "Wait, he doesn't have a penis?" No, she does not have a penis. She also has the internal female plumbing lol. Matt wins our bet.
I was floored. I honestly thought she was a boy, especially after seeing that nub at 16 weeks. But nope, there is definitely no junk. I am thrilled, I cannot wait to have a little princess and dress her in bows and tutus. I think it's still sinking in that I'm getting a Scarlett and not a Gavin. When the tech left to get the doctor Matt looked at me and just said "Scarlett Alexandra". He gets to pick her middle name since I was rather stead fast on her being Scarlett, he wants Alexandra. We played with Elise for awhile, but he likes Alexandra best. I'm alright with this. I do love my name, and it's an honor to have her named after me, and even more so that Matt wants her to have my name. The only thing is that Jordyn, my goddaughter, is named after me already. Two little girls named for me...and I'm only 23....and also not dead.
Scarlett, that's a name I've loved since I was a little little girl. I saw Gone with the Wind and fell in love with Vivien Leigh's character. Beautiful, resourceful, stubborn, and resilient. She broke all the norms of that time period. That's the kind of daughter I want to have. To me this name represents those descriptors, a sort of delicate name with a fiery overtone. I mean I never gave much thought to who her father would be, just that I'd have her, and I honestly can't think of a better name that blends Matt and my personalities. She'll be a Scarlett through and through.
The rest of the ultrasound went by very quickly, probably because I was in shock of the baby being a girl. She has all of her anatomy, I think I was most amazed at her heart (I think Matt was too). We watched her four chambers beat perfectly and even see the tiny valves open and close, open and close. It was absolutely amazing. She wasn't as active as she was in my previous ultrasounds, more lazy with her legs above her head for most of it. We got a 3D/4D view of her face, she wasn't real thrilled with being poked, and understandably so. Eventually she just put her hands over her face and was done with the shoot. We did get a quick peek at her face though, she definitely has my nose. That's really the only defining feature we could see.
The reason I had the level 2 ultrasound to begin with was to look at the dermoid cyst (tumor) on my left ovary and to validate that's what it is exactly. And it is indeed the dermoid, it's doubled in size since they first saw it when I was 6 weeks pregnant. The doctor offered to remove it before the baby was born, but it's not worth risking Scarlett's safety so I'll have it done after she's born. If I have a c-section they'll take it out then, if I got vaginally (hopefully so) then they'll take it after 6 weeks via laparoscopic surgery. I'm really not pleased about having to have another surgery, but it needs to be removed. If it gets bigger it can cause ovarian torsion, it can possibly even be malignant. It's usually not a malignancy but it can become one so it needs to be removed. Right now it's 4cm, I'll have another US at 30 weeks to see if it's progressed, also take a sneak peak at the little lady.
Since then this week has been full of baby girl stuff. Mom went out that Saturday and got a crap ton of girls clothing, on Tuesday I got hand-me-downs from Amy and the girls. Literally 20lbs of baby clothing, all of it 0-3 months. We will NOT be needing any newborn clothes. It was surreal looking at the tiny clothing thinking that in 19 weeks my little girl will be in these outfits. It kicked the crazy (crazier) switch on and all I've wanted to do since is wash, fold and organize her stuff. Nesting is going to be real fun, I can tell.
How far along? 20 weeks 5 days
Total weight gain: 6 1/2lbs...yuckMaternity clothes? Still on the no jeans kick, purely leggings and shirts I've already owned
Stretch marks? Not yet, I'm trying to gain weight slowly so hopefully my body will stretch adequately
Sleep: Sleeping like a champ.
Best moment this week: Finding out that the baby is a girl. Matt getting kicked by his daughter for the first time, I'm happy he finally got to feel her.
Miss Anything? Sushi, omg do I miss sushi.
Movement: She's a busy girl, I notice her mostly at night when I'm laying down. I was up at 4:30 this morning because of a nightmare, she was kicking up a storm for about an hour before I fell asleep again.
Food cravings: Coke, the kind you drink, not snort.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Watching a baby being born in clinical, it was horrific and I wanted to gag.
Gender: Baby girl it is :)
Labor Signs: None thank God.
Symptoms: Stuffy nose, emotional...that's really it. Most days I don't feel pregnant.
Belly Button in or out? It's in, I don't think it'll pop out.
Happy or Moody most of the time: I sway between happy/content and sad. It just depends on the day and time.
Looking forward to: Sushi in 19 weeks, I really want sushi. And a healthy baby of course
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Questions
I've been thinking about the baby a lot. Not that I haven't been thinking about him 24/7 (and anyone who knows me can attest to this). But I'm thinking about him. I lay in bed with my hand on my belly while he wiggles and kicks and I think about this tiny person I've been blessed with. Who will he be? What will he love? Who will he look like? What will he grow up to be?
I want nothing but the world for him. I want nothing but happiness and success. I realize that I am my mother. That makes me proud.
I can't help but look at Matt critically, study parts I'd normally not notice like his freckles, his ears, his eyelashes....wonder what the baby will have of him and what he'll have of me. We both have the same shade of auburn hair with the same texture. Our eye coloring is similar but his have more green in them. We both have the scandinavian noses, although I'd argue mine is cuter. We're both dotted with freckles all over our bodies...the spastic type freckles and not the organized irish type. And very fair skinned. Although he can tan whereas I burn. He also has "morton" toe which runs on the Chase side of my family and luckily I don't have. He gets eczema in the winter, and I have bad elbows...both I hope we don't pass along. The odds are we'll end up with an auburn haired, hazel green eyed, freckly and fair baby.
But, on the other hand, we both have some strong recessive genes (oxymoron?). Matt's dad is blue eyed and light haired, my mom is towheaded with blue gray eyes. We could totally wind up with a blonde hair, blue eyed little nugget. Then of course I wonder about height. I top out at 5'6 and Matt at 6" even. But those Gjertson genes on my mom's side have my own brother at a massive 6'6 and great uncles roughly that height and taller. This kiddo is already a week + ahead in length, will he end up being taller than me when he's 12?
What will he be like? I wonder if he'll be tech savvy like his father or a total science nerd like me. Maybe he'll be lucky enough to be both. Will he be a klutz like me? Or more graceful on his feet like his daddy. I wonder if he'll love football and baseball, or go the volleyball route. I hope he's musical like Matt, but I doubt he'll be able to sing. Will he love reading like us? I hope he has an ingenious blend of of Chase and Reichert humor. I bet he'll be stubborn and endearing like Matt, maybe he'll get my huge heart. He'll probably want to run around outside all day and hopefully wont break every bone like I did. I imagine him begging us for more bedtime stories and sneaking in to sleep with us when he has nightmares.
I can't wait to meet him and watch him grow into a man. I know he'll be a great one, that I know for sure. He's half his father and half me, he'll be nothing short of wonderful.
I want nothing but the world for him. I want nothing but happiness and success. I realize that I am my mother. That makes me proud.
I can't help but look at Matt critically, study parts I'd normally not notice like his freckles, his ears, his eyelashes....wonder what the baby will have of him and what he'll have of me. We both have the same shade of auburn hair with the same texture. Our eye coloring is similar but his have more green in them. We both have the scandinavian noses, although I'd argue mine is cuter. We're both dotted with freckles all over our bodies...the spastic type freckles and not the organized irish type. And very fair skinned. Although he can tan whereas I burn. He also has "morton" toe which runs on the Chase side of my family and luckily I don't have. He gets eczema in the winter, and I have bad elbows...both I hope we don't pass along. The odds are we'll end up with an auburn haired, hazel green eyed, freckly and fair baby.
But, on the other hand, we both have some strong recessive genes (oxymoron?). Matt's dad is blue eyed and light haired, my mom is towheaded with blue gray eyes. We could totally wind up with a blonde hair, blue eyed little nugget. Then of course I wonder about height. I top out at 5'6 and Matt at 6" even. But those Gjertson genes on my mom's side have my own brother at a massive 6'6 and great uncles roughly that height and taller. This kiddo is already a week + ahead in length, will he end up being taller than me when he's 12?
What will he be like? I wonder if he'll be tech savvy like his father or a total science nerd like me. Maybe he'll be lucky enough to be both. Will he be a klutz like me? Or more graceful on his feet like his daddy. I wonder if he'll love football and baseball, or go the volleyball route. I hope he's musical like Matt, but I doubt he'll be able to sing. Will he love reading like us? I hope he has an ingenious blend of of Chase and Reichert humor. I bet he'll be stubborn and endearing like Matt, maybe he'll get my huge heart. He'll probably want to run around outside all day and hopefully wont break every bone like I did. I imagine him begging us for more bedtime stories and sneaking in to sleep with us when he has nightmares.
I can't wait to meet him and watch him grow into a man. I know he'll be a great one, that I know for sure. He's half his father and half me, he'll be nothing short of wonderful.
Cinnabon-18 weeks 6 days
One day shy of 19 weeks and 7 days away from knowing the sex of the baby...even though I am CONVINCED he's a boy.
I had my first "if I don't get this right now I'll die" craving. It happened while watching TV and a cinnabon commercial came on. I literally had to get up and get in my car immediately and get some. If I didn't. I was going to die. It was freaking delicious.
Maternity clothes? Nope. But I'm on a jeans strike
Stretch marks? Not yet. BUT, I had them form when I got boobs too soon (at 9 years old) so I wouldn't be surprised if I get them creeping across my belly. Better believe I lube up 2x a day though.
Sleep: Horrible. Cannot fall or stay asleep. Which is a completely 180 from the first trimester.
Best moment this week: Matt's hand on my belly this Monday. It's the first time when I lay down my belly isn't flat. It's the perfect size of his hand and having it across our baby is the first time in my life I felt complete.
Miss Anything? Being able to drink a beer after a tough day at work/school. Instead I drink pop water lol.
Movement: This is the first week where I've actually been kicked. He's been rolling around for a few weeks, but now I can feel where he is and get a quick and surprising jab. Also realized baby doesn't wake up until 10am. Random.
Food cravings: Cinnabon. Yum.
Anything making you queasy or sick: The smell of eggs and meat. Horrible.
Gender: I'm convinced it's a little boy. We'll know in a week!
Labor Signs: A whole lot of nothing.
Symptoms: Insomnia. Stuffy nose. Epistaxis. Lower back pain. Orthostatic hypotension....but in all honesty, I feel amazing.
Belly Button in or out? Really far in
Happy or Moody most of the time: This week it's been emotional. Very very emotional. Cry 4x a day emotional.
Looking forward to: Finding out the sex of Zetus next week.
I had my first "if I don't get this right now I'll die" craving. It happened while watching TV and a cinnabon commercial came on. I literally had to get up and get in my car immediately and get some. If I didn't. I was going to die. It was freaking delicious.
Pinterest has been my new obsession....food, babies, home, beauty...you name it, I'm looking at it. I stumbled across a pregnancy blog and saw this little weekly update for pregnancy. I'm about halfway through the game but thought this would be a nice way to remember things week by week.
How far along? 18 weeks 6 days
Total weight gain: Only up 1 pound as of 16 weeksMaternity clothes? Nope. But I'm on a jeans strike
Stretch marks? Not yet. BUT, I had them form when I got boobs too soon (at 9 years old) so I wouldn't be surprised if I get them creeping across my belly. Better believe I lube up 2x a day though.
Sleep: Horrible. Cannot fall or stay asleep. Which is a completely 180 from the first trimester.
Best moment this week: Matt's hand on my belly this Monday. It's the first time when I lay down my belly isn't flat. It's the perfect size of his hand and having it across our baby is the first time in my life I felt complete.
Miss Anything? Being able to drink a beer after a tough day at work/school. Instead I drink pop water lol.
Movement: This is the first week where I've actually been kicked. He's been rolling around for a few weeks, but now I can feel where he is and get a quick and surprising jab. Also realized baby doesn't wake up until 10am. Random.
Food cravings: Cinnabon. Yum.
Anything making you queasy or sick: The smell of eggs and meat. Horrible.
Gender: I'm convinced it's a little boy. We'll know in a week!
Labor Signs: A whole lot of nothing.
Symptoms: Insomnia. Stuffy nose. Epistaxis. Lower back pain. Orthostatic hypotension....but in all honesty, I feel amazing.
Belly Button in or out? Really far in
Happy or Moody most of the time: This week it's been emotional. Very very emotional. Cry 4x a day emotional.
Looking forward to: Finding out the sex of Zetus next week.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Hello bump! - 18 weeks
At the 18 week mark! 18 weeks 3 days today. Feeling great physically except for being insanely emotional about everything. I've cried 4 times today actually. For no reason. I'm FINALLY showing. I have wanted my little bump for weeks and now I finally have it. It's tiny and I love it. You can't really tell unless I lay down, or as my day goes on...it seems to grow as the day keeps going for some reason. Another really amazing thing happened over the last week.
I can feel baby move! I've been feeling some "rolling" for a few weeks. Nothing really definitive or anything like that...just rolling around. None of that "fluttering" like some women describe it as....not this kiddo. Now I'm getting kicked, or body slammed. It literally stops me in my track when Z kicks. It's the absolute weirdest feeling. I love it. I love knowing that he is wiggling around and stretching. I know he's healthy and strong. He sleeps in till about 10am, wiggles and kicks then falls back to sleep until I eat. I'm so in love with this little life. It is unreal. Feeling him move makes everything feel real...despite the USs and hearing the heart beat it still seems a little fake. However getting nailed while you're in bed reading...feels real.
I can feel baby move! I've been feeling some "rolling" for a few weeks. Nothing really definitive or anything like that...just rolling around. None of that "fluttering" like some women describe it as....not this kiddo. Now I'm getting kicked, or body slammed. It literally stops me in my track when Z kicks. It's the absolute weirdest feeling. I love it. I love knowing that he is wiggling around and stretching. I know he's healthy and strong. He sleeps in till about 10am, wiggles and kicks then falls back to sleep until I eat. I'm so in love with this little life. It is unreal. Feeling him move makes everything feel real...despite the USs and hearing the heart beat it still seems a little fake. However getting nailed while you're in bed reading...feels real.
Baby loves my left side. That's where he hangs out most of the time. You can even see in the pictures, the left side is poking out more.
No more flat belly! I got that perfect uterus shape going on. Right below my belly button where it's supposed to be at 18 weeks. It's weird to actually see something there, I wonder how big I'll get before I pop. Matt was over on Monday and his hand fits the exact curvature of my uterus. I love having his hand there, I can't wait till he gets kicked by his mini me.
Gender Limbo - 16 weeks
2 weeks into the second trimester! Finally able to stay up past 9pm which was the biggest problem for me. I had some nausea for a few weeks, but I made it through the entire first trimester without throwing up. Matt threw up more than me. I appreciate him taking it for the team. I still wasn't showing at all and able to wear all of my clothes still. Where on earth the baby was hiding is beyond me.
I did have an issue with right sided pain. Hurt so bad that I had to go into the doctor. I thought for sure I had ovarian torsion. It hurt when she palpated so they sent me down for and US to check. I'm a total spaz....I pulled a muscle in my crotch. Absolutely nothing wrong with my right ovary. Baby also looked great. Also did not want to be poked again, REFUSED to let the tech get a good pic lol. HR was 168. Baby also did a number on my bladder, kicking away. The tech looked to see if she could tell the sex. At first she says "IT'S A BOY!" and sure enough a little nub was poking up...after a bit more searching she took it back. She said she couldn't tell either way actually and that I was still in gender limbo...until April 14th lol. Baby still feels like a boy though, baby's got its Daddy's personality. Baby just feels like him. So we'll see!!!
I did have an issue with right sided pain. Hurt so bad that I had to go into the doctor. I thought for sure I had ovarian torsion. It hurt when she palpated so they sent me down for and US to check. I'm a total spaz....I pulled a muscle in my crotch. Absolutely nothing wrong with my right ovary. Baby also looked great. Also did not want to be poked again, REFUSED to let the tech get a good pic lol. HR was 168. Baby also did a number on my bladder, kicking away. The tech looked to see if she could tell the sex. At first she says "IT'S A BOY!" and sure enough a little nub was poking up...after a bit more searching she took it back. She said she couldn't tell either way actually and that I was still in gender limbo...until April 14th lol. Baby still feels like a boy though, baby's got its Daddy's personality. Baby just feels like him. So we'll see!!!
"Like Father like Fetus" - 12 weeks
12 weeks was quite the week. After the 8 week doctors appointment I received a phone call from the office saying that while the blood work all looked normal I tested positive as a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis. This came as a total shock, no one on either side of my family has CF. I found out that not only am I carrier, but I have the worst kind of mutation. Go figure. 1 in 29 caucasians are carriers, who knew? Basically this meant there was a 3% chance that Matt was a carrier, and if he was a carrier there was a 25% chance the baby had CF. I freaked out for a solid 2 weeks while we waited for the results. Matt was the calm to my crazy, I'm so grateful for the balance. I couldn't imagine my perfect little bean being sick, and it being my fault. Genetics are insane. He was negative for CF, thank God. I finally felt like I could relax and really enjoy my pregnancy.
The doctors appointment was very anticlimactic, however, Matt got to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time and that was awesome. I loved how he smiled hearing his baby's clop clop clop.
12 weeks also meant going in for my BUN study. It's an US and blood work to look at the probabilities of trisomy 13,18 and 21. They look at the nucal folds on baby's neck and to see whether or not baby has a nasal bone. It was INCREDIBLE seeing just how much baby exploded. Z looked like a tiny human, wiggly and long. 10 fingers, 10 toes counted, 2 eyes, a nose, big ole mouth and a brain. HR was 165bpm, still nice and fast. Baby was wiggling so much that Z wouldn't sit still long enough to get it at first. So much twisting and turning and kicking and punching. Baby wanted NOTHING to do with being poked and prodded. Baby just flailed and didn't cooperate. Definitely like its father.
The doctors appointment was very anticlimactic, however, Matt got to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time and that was awesome. I loved how he smiled hearing his baby's clop clop clop.
12 weeks also meant going in for my BUN study. It's an US and blood work to look at the probabilities of trisomy 13,18 and 21. They look at the nucal folds on baby's neck and to see whether or not baby has a nasal bone. It was INCREDIBLE seeing just how much baby exploded. Z looked like a tiny human, wiggly and long. 10 fingers, 10 toes counted, 2 eyes, a nose, big ole mouth and a brain. HR was 165bpm, still nice and fast. Baby was wiggling so much that Z wouldn't sit still long enough to get it at first. So much twisting and turning and kicking and punching. Baby wanted NOTHING to do with being poked and prodded. Baby just flailed and didn't cooperate. Definitely like its father.
Baby looks perfect, nucal folds are normal, bridge of the nose is there. Baby is very long, about a week a head in length. Stomach is also working well, swallowing amniotic fluid and peeing it out (gross right). Also were able to see baby sucking its thumb...just like I did when mom was pregnant with me. I could have watched the baby on the screen all day.
First Trimester Belly Shots
Hello flat belly! Yes, somewhere in there a baby is growing....or so they keep telling me :)
Gummy Bear - 8 weeks
At 8 weeks I had my first doctors appointment. Of course the one day Matt and I have to drive 30 miles is the first big snow in Chicago. It took us 2 hours to get to Highland Park and 4 hours to get home. 6 hours to go 60 miles. Totally insane.
Poor Matthew. The first OB appointment is a doozie. It includes being asked a thousand questions, having a full pelvic exam, more questions, sitting and talking to the doc and blood work. I adore Matt. Poor boy had to sit in the room and watch while I had a pelvic exam. He's quite the champ. We saw Dr. Adis who is the only boy doctor in the practice. He's my favorite actually...go figure lol. He is totally old school and treats me like a daughter instead of a patient. I hope that he's the one who deliver's the baby.
The first appointment went well, everything looked good and we were overwhelmed with information. We then had to drive back in the snow. As if watching the mother of your child violated isn't enough torture, Matt had to sit for 4 hours in the car with me. Basically we laughed, listened to music and danced the whole way home.
That following Monday I went in for a follow up US to see how the baby was doing, after that bleed I wanted to make sure the baby was still ok, I had been spotting still. I couldn't believe just how big baby got in 2 weeks. Kiddo EXPLODED. Instead of being a little grain of rice with a heartbeat baby had a head, 2 arms and 2 legs and wiggled all over the place. HR was a whopping 168bpm!
Poor Matthew. The first OB appointment is a doozie. It includes being asked a thousand questions, having a full pelvic exam, more questions, sitting and talking to the doc and blood work. I adore Matt. Poor boy had to sit in the room and watch while I had a pelvic exam. He's quite the champ. We saw Dr. Adis who is the only boy doctor in the practice. He's my favorite actually...go figure lol. He is totally old school and treats me like a daughter instead of a patient. I hope that he's the one who deliver's the baby.
The first appointment went well, everything looked good and we were overwhelmed with information. We then had to drive back in the snow. As if watching the mother of your child violated isn't enough torture, Matt had to sit for 4 hours in the car with me. Basically we laughed, listened to music and danced the whole way home.
That following Monday I went in for a follow up US to see how the baby was doing, after that bleed I wanted to make sure the baby was still ok, I had been spotting still. I couldn't believe just how big baby got in 2 weeks. Kiddo EXPLODED. Instead of being a little grain of rice with a heartbeat baby had a head, 2 arms and 2 legs and wiggled all over the place. HR was a whopping 168bpm!
I couldn't believe that baby was actually a baby!
Falling in love - 6 weeks
At 6 weeks 0 days I had my first ultrasound to make sure the baby was where it was supposed to be. I ended up having to go in earlier than expected because I started bleeding. A lot. It started at lunch with a gush. I had been spotting since I had found out but nothing like the bright red blood I was looking at. In a panic I called my OB and my mom who had me come in early for the US.
All I could think about driving to the hospital was that I was losing the baby. The idea of losing the baby was more terrifying than there actually a baby being there. The two weeks from when I had found out to that day I had accepted that I was pregnant and looking forward to seeing the baby grow.
The second the technician put the probe on my belly I could see the baby and the most beautiful sight in the entire world; a teeny tiny beating heart. It took my breath away. Every fear, every bad and worried feeling disappeared. I was in love with that beautiful little blip chugging along on the screen.
All I could think about driving to the hospital was that I was losing the baby. The idea of losing the baby was more terrifying than there actually a baby being there. The two weeks from when I had found out to that day I had accepted that I was pregnant and looking forward to seeing the baby grow.
The second the technician put the probe on my belly I could see the baby and the most beautiful sight in the entire world; a teeny tiny beating heart. It took my breath away. Every fear, every bad and worried feeling disappeared. I was in love with that beautiful little blip chugging along on the screen.
I couldn't believe something so small could have a beating heart. This little life was so miraculous.
The technician looked for the source of the blood, I asked her "there's only one right? Please tell me there's only one." It looked as though there may have been another baby, it appeared to be a sac near my cervix where the blood and tissue was coming from. I continued to bleed and pass tissue for another weeks and a half.
Life Changing
On December 29th, 2011 my entire life changed.
I always imagined when I found out I was pregnant it would be with my husband, in our house crying tears of a joy. I never thought it would be 23, in graduate school and unmarried. Life happens.
After spotting and cramping for 5 days I decided to take a test to make myself feel better, a way to make myself chill out because I'd never been late like this before. Literally the second the pee hit that stick there was no mistake that it was positive. My entire world stopped. All I could think about was not passing out and hitting my head on the bathroom sink. The second more surprising thought was get mom.
Her reaction was similar to my own, asking me a thousand questions, what was what was I going to do about school? How was I going to do this? How did I manage to do this? How was I going to tell Matt? All I could answer through tears was;
"I don't know."
A whole new rush of emotions took over. I felt sick, guilty, shocked, horror and grief. Everything I never thought I would feel finding out I was pregnant. I hated myself for feeling that way.
One thing I knew for sure was that this teeny tiny being was growing at breakneck speed inside of me, and that teeny tiny being making me feel sick was mine.
I kept this secret to myself and my mom, I needed to until I had a plan. Within the first 5 days of knowing I had talked to the dean of my program and had figured out a schedule for once the baby was born and had spoken to my OB/GYN making a doctors appointment and starting prenatal vitamins. I was irresponsible getting pregnant I sure as hell wasn't going to be an irresponsible pregnant woman and mother.
The hardest part was telling Matt and my Dad. I told Matt a week from when I found out myself, making me a little over 5 weeks along. I didn't want to tell him because I didn't want him to feel how I was feeling. I didn't want to be ruining his life. I prepared myself for him kicking me out of his apartment and telling me he wanted nothing to do with me or our baby. I ran it over and over again in my brain sitting on his couch while we were curled up watching TV. One of the first things he had told me when we had met was that he didn't like serious conversations....this was more than serious. I even started it that way when I finally got up the courage.
"I know you don't like serious conversations, but I need to talk to you about this."
"Do I need to get a drink before you tell me?"
"Yeah."
I came right out with it. He looked at me and I thought about where my shoes were so I could get the hell out of there. Instead he did the exact opposite. He wrapped me up and kissed my forehead and said we were going to be parents. That made me cry harder, and it makes me cry writing this. For the last week I had felt so alone and had prepared myself to be doing it by myself and this incredible man just held me and was going to do this by my side.
Feeling that relief of having Matt there made me feel better. But I still felt this guilt. More than any other emotion I felt was this feeling of overwhelming guilt. I felt guilty to be putting my parents through this. I know that they expect so much more from me, I felt like I let them down as a daughter. Even though both my mom and dad told me they didn't feel that way, I still felt this guilt. I felt guilty because this was an accident when I know my parents tried 10 years to have me, and there are countless other people I know who tried for a very long time to start a family, and here I was, not trying, and ended up pregnant. It made me feel like a bad person because this wasn't what I wanted now. I felt guilty about Matt, I didn't want him to feel like his life was over or have any sort of resentment towards me or the baby. I know that he chose to stick by our sides and was an equal participant in making the baby...I just still felt like it was all my fault. The most guilt I felt was about the baby. I know that the baby didn't ask to be here, the baby didn't ask to be put in this situation. This wasn't the position I wanted to be in bringing this baby into the world. I was so heartbroken that I couldn't give the baby married parents, a house, a stable job with enough money. And that killed me. I cried myself to sleep for weeks feeling guilty, never feeling guilt for my own life, but everyone that I touched. I know that this is a normal feeling in pregnancy, but I didn't want anything but the best for everyone that I love in my life.
I know that God only gives you as much as you can handle. I also know that babies are blessings and gifts. I know that this is happening to me right now for a reason, and this is exactly when this baby was supposed to be here even if it doesn't quite feel like it yet. I cried to mom telling her how sad I was because I wasn't giving the baby the same childhood I had. Mom asked me what it was about my childhood that made it so incredible. I told her that it was spending time with my parents, being with my grandparents, having life long friends and being surrounded by love. Mom asked me what she thought was going to happen with this baby? This baby would be surrounded by love, have both parents, spend time with its grandparents and have a ton of friends. She reminded me that even in the most ideal situation parents break up, jobs are loss and tragedies happen. But this child will be loved, so incredibly loved. Not only that but I have been raised by the most incredible parents. I am ready for the challenge.
I always imagined when I found out I was pregnant it would be with my husband, in our house crying tears of a joy. I never thought it would be 23, in graduate school and unmarried. Life happens.
After spotting and cramping for 5 days I decided to take a test to make myself feel better, a way to make myself chill out because I'd never been late like this before. Literally the second the pee hit that stick there was no mistake that it was positive. My entire world stopped. All I could think about was not passing out and hitting my head on the bathroom sink. The second more surprising thought was get mom.
Her reaction was similar to my own, asking me a thousand questions, what was what was I going to do about school? How was I going to do this? How did I manage to do this? How was I going to tell Matt? All I could answer through tears was;
"I don't know."
A whole new rush of emotions took over. I felt sick, guilty, shocked, horror and grief. Everything I never thought I would feel finding out I was pregnant. I hated myself for feeling that way.
One thing I knew for sure was that this teeny tiny being was growing at breakneck speed inside of me, and that teeny tiny being making me feel sick was mine.
I kept this secret to myself and my mom, I needed to until I had a plan. Within the first 5 days of knowing I had talked to the dean of my program and had figured out a schedule for once the baby was born and had spoken to my OB/GYN making a doctors appointment and starting prenatal vitamins. I was irresponsible getting pregnant I sure as hell wasn't going to be an irresponsible pregnant woman and mother.
The hardest part was telling Matt and my Dad. I told Matt a week from when I found out myself, making me a little over 5 weeks along. I didn't want to tell him because I didn't want him to feel how I was feeling. I didn't want to be ruining his life. I prepared myself for him kicking me out of his apartment and telling me he wanted nothing to do with me or our baby. I ran it over and over again in my brain sitting on his couch while we were curled up watching TV. One of the first things he had told me when we had met was that he didn't like serious conversations....this was more than serious. I even started it that way when I finally got up the courage.
"I know you don't like serious conversations, but I need to talk to you about this."
"Do I need to get a drink before you tell me?"
"Yeah."
I came right out with it. He looked at me and I thought about where my shoes were so I could get the hell out of there. Instead he did the exact opposite. He wrapped me up and kissed my forehead and said we were going to be parents. That made me cry harder, and it makes me cry writing this. For the last week I had felt so alone and had prepared myself to be doing it by myself and this incredible man just held me and was going to do this by my side.
Feeling that relief of having Matt there made me feel better. But I still felt this guilt. More than any other emotion I felt was this feeling of overwhelming guilt. I felt guilty to be putting my parents through this. I know that they expect so much more from me, I felt like I let them down as a daughter. Even though both my mom and dad told me they didn't feel that way, I still felt this guilt. I felt guilty because this was an accident when I know my parents tried 10 years to have me, and there are countless other people I know who tried for a very long time to start a family, and here I was, not trying, and ended up pregnant. It made me feel like a bad person because this wasn't what I wanted now. I felt guilty about Matt, I didn't want him to feel like his life was over or have any sort of resentment towards me or the baby. I know that he chose to stick by our sides and was an equal participant in making the baby...I just still felt like it was all my fault. The most guilt I felt was about the baby. I know that the baby didn't ask to be here, the baby didn't ask to be put in this situation. This wasn't the position I wanted to be in bringing this baby into the world. I was so heartbroken that I couldn't give the baby married parents, a house, a stable job with enough money. And that killed me. I cried myself to sleep for weeks feeling guilty, never feeling guilt for my own life, but everyone that I touched. I know that this is a normal feeling in pregnancy, but I didn't want anything but the best for everyone that I love in my life.
I know that God only gives you as much as you can handle. I also know that babies are blessings and gifts. I know that this is happening to me right now for a reason, and this is exactly when this baby was supposed to be here even if it doesn't quite feel like it yet. I cried to mom telling her how sad I was because I wasn't giving the baby the same childhood I had. Mom asked me what it was about my childhood that made it so incredible. I told her that it was spending time with my parents, being with my grandparents, having life long friends and being surrounded by love. Mom asked me what she thought was going to happen with this baby? This baby would be surrounded by love, have both parents, spend time with its grandparents and have a ton of friends. She reminded me that even in the most ideal situation parents break up, jobs are loss and tragedies happen. But this child will be loved, so incredibly loved. Not only that but I have been raised by the most incredible parents. I am ready for the challenge.
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