One Year - 18 weeks old

One year ago today.

Wow.

One year ago today I found out I was pregnant.

It still blows my mind that an entire year has passed since that day my entire world changed. It feels like yesterday those little blue lines showed up. Literally the second it touched the stick. 

I didn't know then how much my life would be different. And just how much better it would become after the appearance of those little blue lines. I didn't know how much my heart would grow. I didn't know then that I would become the mother of the most incredible little girl in the world.

It hasn't been perfect. Hell, it's been tough between her father and I. But despite the bullshit with him, she is worth every tear I have shed over him. She is worth every time he broke my heart. She is worth dealing with his lies and deception. She is worth it 100 fold. And I would deal with it every second of it every day because it means that I have Scarlett.

My mom asked me if I knew where I would be now and everything I have been dealing with (w/ all of the problems w/ her father) would I have changed my decision. There was no hesitation in my answer. No. No. No. No. I wouldn't change a thing because it means that I have Scarlett. 

A year later I am stronger. I am wiser. I am a mother. I am happy. I am in love. I am 3 pounds lighter than I was before. I am home on a Saturday night and grateful for that. I am celebrating this milestone while welcoming Aunt Flo (touche body, touche).

I love every single day of motherhood. It's not always glamorous or easy. It's usually messy...but always filled with laughter, smiles, and love. Scarlett is such a gift. One I couldn't even comprehend a year ago.

She's 18 weeks old today. She discovered her feet for the first time today. Made her first snow angel today too. 

It's amazing how they change every day. I love watching her discover the world around her and herself. She has figured out she can reach, touch and grab toys. She will cradle my face in her hands. She has deep beautiful belly laughs where she closes her eyes and her body shakes. She is always smiling and sucking on her fingers. She is determined and stubborn. Her personality is incredible, I am lucky enough to watch it blossom every single day. I start my mornings with her and end my nights with her and fill my day with her in between.

I am so lucky.

I go back to school next Monday, ending my 19 week maternity leave. It's bittersweet. I feel so incredibly blessed to have had this time with her and be able to spend her first 4 months with her every single day, all day. But I am ready to go back to school and fulfill my promise to both her and I. In 8 short months I will be done with my master's degree. I will be able to give Scarlett and I the lives we deserve, and I cannot wait. It will be great being back in the swing of things juggling school, work and raising her. 

Here is to another year! A beautiful, messy, brilliant year filled with Scarlett.

My New Normal - 11 weeks 2 days

Sleeping has taken priority over writing in my life now, not that I don't get enough sleep (Baby girl now sleeps anywhere from 7-9 hour stretches) but I feel that the quality of sleep has declined. Scarlett is still sleeping in my room next to me in her car seat. Yes, car seat. Since 5 weeks Scarlett has been battling reflux. Any time she lays down flat she spits up. If she sits up too upright...projectile vomiting. Her optimal angle is roughly 45 degrees, and that's where her car seat comes in. She has been sleeping in it now, as a burrito, for 6 weeks now. And although she sleeps well now, I still find myself waking up anytime she changes postion, sighs in her sleep or her newest thing, talking while in REM. I wake up sporadically to place a hand on her chest to feel it steadily rise and fall. I even sleep with the closet light on, like I did as a kid, to see her anytime my eyes are open. I'm a tired momma.

I'm loving life as a mother. Being Scarlett's mom has been the biggest blessing in my entire life. I love everything that comes with this awesome responsibility, blow out diapers, stinky cheese neck, tiny dagger finger nails, big gummy smiles with clenched fists, burrito wiggles, bath time splashes, boogies, just everything. I know that every parent thinks that they have the most beautiful, most wonderful child...I am no exception, I think that she is the best ever. Her little personality is blossoming. She is stubborn, feisty and loving. She's a boob girl, hates bottles, and protests that you're denying her her boobies. She is always smiling, those big gummy smiles, eyes pinched shut and fists in a ball. Even after a first round of shots, she smiled at the nurse. She's a late nighter, late sleeper and is happiest when she wakes up. She screeches with joy when she gets changed in the morning. She babbles back to Matt and I. She rarely cries or fusses, that is just how happy she is. She is calm and tolerant as Matt and I fumble through being new parents, she just watches us with her big steel blue eyes, an amused smile on her face. Bath time is her favorite, she splashes with her crazy legs, purposely getting Matt extra wet when he washes her, I still think it's payback from all the poking and prodding he did when she was in my belly. She's can shove her whole fist in her mouth, proudly might I add. Her newest past time is to spit her sucky out, smile, wait for you to put it back in and do it all over again. She's a daddy's girl through and through. The minute she sees Matt she lights up. He is hers. And he knows that. She nuzzles him and whimsically falls asleep while he whispers in her ear. She watches him intensely when he plays her guitar while smiling each time he stops to look back at her. I love that she loves him, and love that he loves her so much.

I love my new normal. My days are surrounded by her, making her happy, helping her grow and flourish. We play, she nurses, she sleeps, we go out, see friends and go new places. I look forward to bed time the most when it is just her and I, snuggled in the dark, listening to classical music while we rock. It's hard for me to imagine that she has only been her for 11 weeks, it feels like she has always been intertwined in my life, I am so excited that I get to spend the rest of mine helping her grow up to be the amazing person I know she is already destined to be. 

Scarlett's Birth - 3 weeks 5 days

Phew, it's taken me three and a half weeks to sit down and actually update this blog. The last 26 days have been a whirlwind, and absolutely beautiful, busy, wonderful whirlwind.

After 21 days of Braxton-Hicks (every 2-3 minutes, all day every day) I FINALLY went into labor. Finally. It started on the 24th when we were at dinner, I noticed that I was having intermittent menstrual cramps...I called the docs at 11:30 because it was happening every 20 minutes or so, and of course Dr. Becker says "Well come in when your contractions are every 5 minutes apart"...Uh, they've been every 2-3 minutes for 21 days, not really a good indicator. So we agreed that if the cramps got so severe I couldn't sleep I'd come in.

Insert 2:30am. Pain was still every 20 minutes, but horrible. No sleep. No relaxing. Now mind you I hadn't slept in 2 days because of the discomfort of my contractions and the huge belly I was lugging around. I dragged my butt into the shower to shave my legs and hooha, oh yes, 2:30am, contracting, cramping, can't see my vag and you better believe I was silky smooth and clean.

Mom and I headed into the hospital, I told Matt that night that I thought I was going to have the baby in the next 24 hours. Not sure if it was legit on my part or more wishful thinking. However, I didn't tell him I was going in, since I went into preterm labor I had been to L&D 4 times thinking it was "time", so there was no use getting everyone worked up when in the past I had cried "wolf" so to speak.

When we got there and the nurse checked me there was no change. Still 1cm dilated, -1 station and about 80% effaced. I lost my shit and broke down sobbing. I didn't understand how I could be in so much pain and have absolutely nothing happen. They decided to keep me for 3 hours to observe to see if anything was going on (besides the contractions every 2-3 minutes that the monitor was picking up). I sent mom home because I felt ridiculous making her stay when I knew they were just going to send me home. I was offered Dilaudid. This was perplexing to me. They give women Dilaudid snoozes, it either stops the crazy contractions or throws you into real labor. The nurse was perturbed that I refused this. I also refused the IV. I told her I didn't need to be drugged up if I was just going to go home, I also didn't want Scarlett getting such a strong narcotic medication. Plus, as far as I'm concerned I will only ever take Dilaudid if I feel like I'm going to die. Which I was pretty close to feeling that then...but not quite.

They came back and checked me 3 hours later. By now I was now having the cramps every 5 minutes and was in white knuckle pain. I went from the bed, to the rocker, to the ball without any resolve. When she did my internal exam nothing had changed. I was so distraught, I couldn't imagine being sent home feeling that horrible. I was offered Dilaudid again and declined. They wanted to keep me until 8-9am to have Dr. Becker check me before sending me home.

About an hour later I had enough, I was exhausted and in so much pain. I was laying in the fetal position, crying and holding onto the railings. When the nurse came in to check on me she got anxious seeing as how much pain I was in with still no change to my cervix. She disconnected me from the monitor and told me she was going to call Dr. Becker to see if she would come in early.

Around 7 Dr. Becker arrived, I was still pitiful, in bed crying. When she checked me she got upset. "Why aren't you connected to the monitors?" "She took me off because I've been on them since 3am with no change and the baby was doing fine." She called for the nurse and looked at me and said "You're almost 2cm, 100 effaced and I'm poking the baby's scalp."

She grabbed an internal monitor, put it on Scarlett's scalp and ruptured my bag of water. "Expect to have the baby in 12-15 hours. We're going to start some pitocin and get your epidural." I was in shock. And stupidly said "Wait, so I'm going to have the baby today? You're not going to send me home?"

They did not. My nurse started my IV and the pitocin and informed me I would have to wait till the anesthesiologist came in from home (my request woke him up and he lives 30 minutes from the hospital). Meanwhile, the cramping got worse and I eventually called the respected parties; my parents, Matt and his parents. This was around 8:30, I told them not to come in yet because this was going to be an all day process.

The anesthesiologist showing up was a godsend. Getting it placed was a bit nerve wracking, especially since your reflex is to jump when you get a gigantic needle shoved into your back. That sucker started working fast, I literally looked at Dr.Godsend and told him he was my new best friend. If my legs weren't completely numb, I could have gotten up and ran a marathon, that's how good I felt once it was placed.

Happy post-epidural face

Last photo of Scarlett in my belly

So I hung out, ate popsicles, enjoyed my lack of pain and took some cat naps. Mr. and Mrs. Reichert showed up at 2pm, Matt at 2:30 and my mom at 3. Dr. Kim was the on call OB for the day. When she came in at 2 she told me I was 3cm and to expect the baby around 6pm. I started laughing. I told her no way, that the baby wasn't going to be here before 9pm. I was checked again at 3pm, now 4cm. At 4pm I jumped to 7cm! Also, my epidural wasn't working on the left side of my body. The nurse anesthetist came in to assess me, turns out that sitting up isn't exactly conducive to a successful epi. All the drugs happened to be pooled in my ass. Making my butt incredibly numb, but everything else not so much. While he was fixing to add more drugs I told my nurse to check me again, even though it had only been a half hour later I told her I was fully dilated. Sure enough when she checked I was. She told me she was going to get Dr. Kim so I could start pushing. This threw me into a panic. It was only 4:30, I figured I would have a few more hours to prepare myself. Since my panic attack coincided with my adjusted epi and my heart rate sky rocketing to 150bpm they put me on high alert. I got a thousand questions asked about my heart, the nurse anesthetist was afraid I was throwing myself into SVT (supra ventricular tachycardia) WHICH made me panic more. It took him talking me down, and my mom, before I was able to get my heart rate under control and to be calmer.

Matt and Mrs. Reichert came back into the room, them plus my mom were who I wanted present for the birth. Each mama had a leg and Matthew was sent to my head with strict rules NOT to look. At anything. Unless permission was granted from me. Which was fine since he didn't want to look anyway. I'm glad the mamas were there. My mom coached and Matt made jokes, which I needed.

I hate when women say "I wont get an epidural because I wont know when to push." That's bull. I could feel every contraction, they didn't hurt, but I could feel them. Because they didn't hurt I was able to focus on my pushing. Pushing by the way sucks. I'm an instant gratification kind of person, so after 5 pushes she wasn't born I was getting fed up. Dr. Kim told me to expect to push for 1-2 hours. I was determined for 15 minutes, however, didn't quite work that way. It was lighthearted though, it was incredibly calm during pushing which I appreciated. Matt kept it light by making jokes, and Dr. Kim commented on my nicely shorn hooha, she asked if I got it done professionally before I came in and then her and the nurse had a good laugh when I told them I did it at 2:30am blindly.

My mom told me that I wouldn't care who was in the room when I pushed. That I wouldn't care who looked at my vag or if I pooped during labor. I told her she was crazy and I wanted no one to look, I wanted to be covered up if possible and do it in the dark. My mother was right. After 45 minutes of pushing I didn't care of the janitor was in the room taking video to put on youtube. I wanted her out so bad. I begged and pleaded with Dr. Kim just to get her out already, do whatever she needed, but to get her out. I was exhausted, frustrated and sore. I didn't yell, I didn't scream, I didn't even cuss at Matt. I just begged Dr. Kim. Eventually an episiotomy was needed (and I still tore). Once that happened I was able to give enough umph to get little lady out.

My world changed forever.

The second they told me to look down and grab my baby girl I lost it. I will never forget the way her skin felt the second I touched it, or the sound of her perfect little kitten cry that took my breath away. That was the moment I became a mother. I started crying and thanking God for her and repeating over and over again "I love you, Scarlett." I had loved her while pregnant, but it was nothing compared to the love I felt seeing her for the first time and knowing that she was mine and that I was going to spend the rest of my life raising and cherishing her.

A part of me, a part I didn't even know existed, became alive when she was born.

I'm not a religious person. I am spiritual and do believe in God. I have never been more confident in such things as miracles when I saw that perfect new little life. That somehow, two such flawed people can create something so pure, good and perfect is awe inspiring. It is something that cannot be explained to anyone who isn't a parent. Because it is impossible to understand until you are a part of that miracle taking place.

 Matt cut her cord, and she was measured and weighed. 7lbs, 12oz and 211/4 in. Born at 5:52pm (Before 6pm like Dr. Kim predicted) She was wrapped and placed into my arms to nurse and for me to get my first good look at her. She had a surprising head full of dark silky hair, which made sense given just how horrible my reflux was. Big inquisitive almond eyes. Cherub lips. And big full cheeks. 10 fingers. 10 toes. Absolute perfection.

I was elated to share that moment with Matt and our moms. Letting our moms be a part of their first granddaughter's birth, and insuring (in a way only a mother can do) that we both made it through the process safe and surrounded by love. Watching Matt hold her for the first time was beautiful. As a mother you feel this little life grow inside you, kick and stretch. Your attachment begins during pregnancy. As Matt had told me, "I wont really become a dad until she's born" and that's true. Watching him look at her, examen her little hands, kiss her head and fall head over heels in love with her made me love him. He called her his little "Nemo" because of her tongue poking in and out of her mouth.

After nursing her the grandpas, Tyler and Jess came in. My dad came in first and seeing him tear up over the sight of his new little girl brought me to tears. I was so happy to have everyone there, to hold her, to talk about who she looked like and love her. It was the perfect beginning to her incredible life.

I didn't sleep that night, making it three nights without sleep. But I couldn't. I was running on left over adrenaline. Matt slept in the bed in the corner, while I laid in the hospital bed holding her. Giggling over hiccups and listening to her soft breathing sounds. I didn't want to sleep. I just wanted to be with her. It was worth 9 months of pregnancy, 21 days of Braxton-Hicks, 11 hours of labor and 52 minutes of pushing. I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

No Sleep Till Brooklyn - 37 weeks even

Sleep is now a thing of the past. It's about 6:30am and I've already been awake since 4:30. I'm confined to my bedroom because mom is asleep on the couch downstairs. Which is insanely inconvenient when you're starved at 5:30 and have to tiptoe in attempt to make cereal without waking her up. Nowadays I'm somewhat of an overly ambitious elephant and make roughly as much noise. However, today I was successful in not waking her up while mowing down.

If she had been awake I would have sprawled on the couch to watch murder shows until I got sleepy again (at roughly 8) and went down for my morning nap. Instead I had to steal my computer (quietly) and return back to my room to dick around until I'm tired again.

I'm sleeping about 5 hours during the day, in 2-3 hour intervals, usually around 8am and again around 3-4pm. I don't understand why nap time goes over so amazingly but I can't for the life of me stay asleep at night. I'm not sure how many hours of sleep I'm averaging a night, but my guess is no more than 4-5 with constant breaks in-between.

The frequent naps are in part due to my discomfort and inability to sleep at night, but also the constant Braxton-Hicks that have been plaguing me now for 8 days. I didn't think something so stupid and non productive could make one so tired...or irritable. I'm exhausted and pissy. For all of those who've never had a BH contraction this is my best description: you're smuggling a watermelon under your skin, which is already heavy and pulling your skin uncomfortably tight...like you're going to burst. The watermelon also likes to squirm and pack a few kicks. A BH is SQUEEZING that watermelon under your skin with so much pressure that you are certain your stomach is going to explode like a bomb and watermelon guts will easily go a mile. Now, imagine this happening every 3-4 minutes without relief. Oh, and sometimes while you're being squeezed the watermelon is also moving at the same time. It's nearly impossible to get comfortable now, between the squeezing, abnormally large abdomen and complete awkwardness of my body. I spend a lot of time laying on my left side or on a giant blue exercise ball. Both take the edge off just enough so I don't scream. I would be much more tolerant of the BH if they were productive to dilating my cervix to get tiny human out..but they don't and thus are stupid. I would also be more tolerant if I could do anything other than walking to the bathroom and laying down without being thrown into a cluster of the super painful variety. Yesterday I was cleaning my apartment while mom and dad packed the car and paid for that movement for 3 hours or utter pain.

I'm sick of doing nothing. Im sick of being antsy and unable to anything.

8 days ago they thought (they being both my doc and the Wisco doc) that Scarlett would be born in the next 3-4 days, and if I was insanely lucky I would make it to 37 weeks. I had my mind all wrapped up and prepared to have a baby last week. Still no baby. Still no change. I'm losing it slightly. I'm glad she's still cooking but now my belly button is popped out which I'm 99% sure is synonymous with a turkey timer saying she's done. Amy thinks she's coming today, Matt thinks she's coming Wednesday, I'm thinking 2-3 weeks. The idea of 14-21 more days of this makes me want to sob uncontrollably. Sigh.

I'm hoping for a less eventful week than last week. I spend 3 days at the doc being checked and rechecked, each time being told I'll "know" when it's time. I have no freaking clue btw. My plan is to finish getting all of Scarlett's things in order while unpacking my apartment things and putting them away here. Oh, and also finish my school work. None of those things seem plausible with the discomfort I'm in, but I'm going to make a valid attempt. Maybe I will succumb to watching shark week and bouncing on my ball.

I've more or less become a hermit too. I feel bad, but I really just don't want to see anyone. I don't feel good, I'm uncomfortable and snap incredibly easily. The only person I can really tolerate is my mom, I make her spend endless hours by my side because she makes me feel less miserable. I don't want to see any of my friends. I don't want to see any of my family. I don't even want to see Matt. Actually, he is one of the last people I want to see right now. I feel bad, but he irritates and frustrates me right now, more so than ever. And it sucks because I want him to be attentive to both me and his unborn child and I can barely get a word out of him. Thinking about it just makes me sad and perpetuates the irritated and frustrated towards him. I honestly wonder if I'll even see him now before the baby is born. I'm just tired of putting in 150% and getting 50-70% with him. I just hope things change once she's born.

Well, now is about the time I have to go to the bathroom for the second time this hour, turn some Anthony Bourdain on and snuggle down on my side. Baby girl is wide awake so I need to give her some lovin. I am so flipping excited for this pregnancy to wrap up and be sleepy, irritable and worn out because I have the most incredible little love in my arms. Geez. She's going to be here before I know it. :)

Photo from Kelsey's rehearsal dinner

Dear Scarlett - 36 weeks 3 days

Dearest Scarlett,

I have now been having Braxton-Hicks contractions every 2-4 minutes for the last 5 days. You gave us quite a scare on Sunday, we were in Waupaca, Wisconsin for Kelsey's wedding. Saturday I ended up having to leave the wedding early because you and I were struggling with swelling and a hard belly. I went to the hospital Sunday to get checked out for my headache and belly pains...turns out I was having contractions every 3 minutes or so. Here I was, thinking you were being all sassy sticking your butt out, but in reality you were being squashed by my uterus. When the doc examined me he found that I was 70% effaced, roughly 1cm dilated and your head was low. Chaos ensued because they thought you were coming...that night. No time for me to be sent home, we had to be admitted. Your Daddy had to scramble to get up to Waupaca (he made it up in 4 hours, hungover and only bringing headphones!), Tyler drove 6 hours, picking up your car seat and grabbing a few come home outfits for you. After 18 hours of fluids, antibiotics and impatiently waiting, nothing happened. Absolutely nothing besides me being grumpy and crampy. Dr. Charlie told us to expect you 3-4 days later.

5 days later. You're still not here.

Tuesday we spent the day in L&D, still contracting every few minutes but now 90% effaced. After 10 hours there, still no change. Today...still no change but still contracting. I've tried walking, drinking water, bouncing on a labor ball and still a whole lot of nothing. The doctor said it is unusual to be contracting like this without change but I will KNOW when real labor starts. (I don't understand how since I've been thinking for 5 days that is what is going on)

I thought for sure you were impatient to get your little booty out here. Your Daddy has even proclaimed for weeks that you'll be here early (He wants you to wait until next Wednesday). But as I am learning you are running on your own time and you'll get here exactly when you want to be here. Which I'm sincerely hoping is soon (you can wait till next Wednesday, that's fine). The nurse in me knows how important it is that you stay cooking as long as possible, that every day you hang out snuggled safely inside me is another day you grow healthier and stronger. But I'm exhausted from all of the contracting. The impatient mama in me wants you out yesterday and in my arms. Someday when you're waiting for your first born to make his or her appearance you'll say the same thing to me which is "Do whatever you need to but get this child out." This includes taking your crazy uncle up on an offer to use cattle chains to pull you out or your mother's offer to use a plunger to suck you out. You'll laugh at that when you're in your beginning of pregnancy, proudly rubbing your tiny little bump and think to yourself that you wont feel that way...but you will. Want to know how I know this? Because my mother told me I would feel this way some 20 weeks ago. You wont believe me until you have your own little one but your mother is always right. Gigi is always right, and I will also always be right. Some things you just need to learn from living I guess.

So now we wait, my little love, until you decide it's time to grace us with your beautiful presence. Your Gigi and Papa are getting squirrelly, Uncle Tyler is a bundle of anticipation and your Daddy is getting nervous and trying to find a new place to live. And I, well, I'm sleeping, eating tomatos and rubbing you from the outside. You are busy and moving a ton, I like to think you're smiling about all of the fuss going on out here while we wait for you. Hurry up!

Love,

Your insanely impatient mother

Pictures and Showers - 35 weeks 2 days

I have been slacking with catch up. It has been a crazy few weeks with everything going on.  So I'll do a speedy update...or attempt to.

33 weeks: Had my maternity shoot! Amy's friend who is a photographer took them for me. We went to Vehe Barn in Lake Zurich, which is more or less a barn on a forest preserve. I've never been there before. It was BEAUTIFUL. And freaking hot. At 10:30am it was 85 degrees with nearly 100% humidity. I haven't sweat that much in...forever. I was a bit skeptical on how my sweaty preggo butt would look, but boy was I blown away. The pictures turned out absolutely beautiful. More beautiful than I could have ever imagined. I put them together into a hardcover book that I can give to Scarlett once she's older. I want her to see just how much she is loved and wanted. I picked a few to show, but they're all amazing

34 Weeks: The highlight of this week would absolutely be my second baby shower. This one was thrown by Amy and my mom. Both of them have put months and months of work into this party and it was obvious. The theme was Russian nesting dolls, lots of flowers and polkadots...it was something out of a dream. We had 33 family and friends total at the house, it was insanely overwhelming for me. I wanted to be able to sit and talk with everyone and really catch up, I was able to sit for a little bit but wasn't able to catch up how I would have liked. It was amazing seeing everyone, the support and love for baby girl and I is amazing. I can't believe just how many people love her. We got just about everything we need for when she gets here. There are a few small things I'll still need to purchase but overall we are incredibly lucky. Matt and Tyler went out to lunch during the madness and came back in time to mingle and help put some of our things built. I just can't express how grateful I am for everyone and everything in my life. I couldn't have asked for a more beautiful or wonderful day with some of the best people that I have the pleasure of having in my life. I've included some pictures, but it really doesn't do the party justice.

Candy bar

Amy's 200+ diaper cake!

Yes, my mother made this fruid salad stroller!

The insanity that is gift opening

Nesting doll cake

Flowers to the entrance

Bears onsie from her Auntie MaryAnne

Momma and me

CCG girls

Tyler and Matt putting together "baby rocket ship"

The day after the shower Matt and I went to Indiana to celebrate his dad's birthday. Unfortunately his mom and grandmas couldn't make it to the shower. I was bummed, but I was so happy that we were able to see his family again before Scarlett comes. We had a really lovely day, I even got to meet his grandmas! I absolutely adore both, they love their great grand daughter very much. It was so nice getting to sit and talk with them and actually get to know a little bit about them. We all had dinner together and really just sat and enjoyed each other. I really wish we lived closer to his family too but I love knowing that we have their support and love. 

35 weeks: Only two days into this week, but already a busy one. I've still been struggling with swelling and general feeling of ick. I am learning now that it's normal to feel uncomfortable and icky during the last few weeks...despite not wanting to feel miserable. To be completely honest I feel good about 90% of the time. I really only feel bad when I overdo it, which I did this weekend. I was hurting yesterday and ended up early for my weekly appointment. Did a 24 hour urine collection yesterday and today to check for overall amount of protein in my urine. Nothing quite like being tied to the toilet and your fridge....oh yes...fridge. You have to keep your pee cold lol. Poor Tyler saw the jug and though it was iced tea, luckily I was sitting at the kitchen table and was able to counteract that disaster. I had blood drawn today to make sure that my kidneys and liver and chugging along well. It's more for my peace of mind than anything, but when you've had high blood pressure and swelling for a month I don't think it's too outrageous.

Little love is thriving. My belly feels stretched to capacity. The idea that there could be a solid 5 weeks until she is born is a bit horrifying. Her and I are competing for space and she's winning. She's so big now that she is all the way up to my xyphoid process, she loves to pop her booty out and it is rather uncomfortable. I feel like she's trying to bust out of my gut. I can't wait till she drops into my pelvis and can't reach so far lol. I haven't gotten any feet in my ribs, but she does rub my sides with her heels. Lots of hiccups still, 2-3x a day. She is still utterly wonderful and I am so thankful that she continues to be healthy and strong. I am getting so excited to hold her in my arms, I'd say "I'm excited to meet her" but her and I have been on rather intimate terms for the last 35 weeks lol, we've already bonded. Gah. I'm just so stinking excited.

How far along? 35 weeks 2 days

Total weight gain: A little over 30....sigh...
Maternity clothes?  My t-shirts are getting tight, but I'm still fitting into some of my clothes lol
Stretch marks? I swear they're coming, the ones I had before I got pregnant I think are expanding a bit
Sleep: Up peeing lots and not as comfortable as I've been in the past
Best moment this week: Baby shower and going to visit the Reichert's
Miss Anything? My body and sushi. I miss being my pre pregnancy side, and trying my best to enjoy these last few weeks with little girl inside.
Movement: Lots of booty popping
Food cravings: Mmmm...not really anything different
Anything making you queasy or sick: I get random spurts of nausea for no reason
Gender:  girl girl girl
Labor Signs: Nope, few weeks

Symptoms: Swollen (nice pitting edema),  nausea, horrible headaches, hip pain...the usual third trimester discomforts
Belly Button in or out? Starting to pop a little bit
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy
Looking forward to: Kelsey's wedding this weekend!

Human Heater - 33 weeks 2 days

I have never been more hot in my life. Or swollen. Or irritable.

Up until the last couple weeks I have been thoroughly been enjoying pregnancy, now, I'm totally over it. I didn't think this day would come, where I would be so uncomfortable that I would just be dunzo with the whole belly thing. Remember when I said I wanted my belly so bad? Mom said not to wish that upon myself because in July I would be kicking myself. If I could kick myself, I would, but I'm too tired and my legs are too swollen.

It's funny. Pregnancy and Scarlett are two completely separate states/entities in my mind. There is my wonderful, lovely, joyous baby girl....and then there is uncomfortable, sweaty, big, pregnancy. Two totally different things. I am so very much in love with baby girl, I enjoy her thoroughly. I love her little hiccups, her sleep schedule and am even tolerant of being kicked repeatedly in my diaphragm at 2am. It's the whole pregnant thing I'm done with. I miss my cute, modest little belly that didn't cause fluid retention, increased metabolism and heat. I feel guilty because I really have had a dream pregnancy. No puking, no hair loss, little to no back aches, nothing really. It hasn't been until the last few weeks that all that goodness has caught up, and even still, it's really not that bad. I just have nothing to compare it to as far as more misery, so currently my pity party is only based on my experience. I keep being reminded it will only get worse before it gets better, I cannot wait.

I don't like complaining, but I can't help it. There's nothing else I can do but bitch and wait and grow the tiny human. I know nobody cares, but I can't help it. I do need to point out that I am aware of just how lucky I am that I have made it 33 beautiful weeks and have an incredibly healthy, wonderful little love nestled inside. And I am lucky. I would feel a lot better if it wasn't for the weather. I do just fine in the AC in little to no clothing, laying on the couch watching Anthony Bourdain. It's having to function in a million degree weather that is a billion degrees with humidity. I can't do it. Within 15 seconds of being outside my fingers swell to capacity and look like fat pink sausages (no exaggeration on the time). I'm now waking up fingers, toes and feet swollen. Before it took standing on my feet for some time before swelling began. Now it's more or less instantaneous. Tomorrow I have another doctor appointment to check on this swelling and also the protein in my pee. Fingers crossed it's just the heat and not preeclampsia.

Ok, ranting done. Aside from my discomforts I've been disgustingly busy and disgruntled. Everything is coming to a crux and I'm just plowing through trying to get everything organized and finished before baby girl makes her appearance. I'm halfway through the quarter so a lot of things are piling up needing to be done. Every single weekend until the 11th is full, either with work, weddings, baby showers, etc. I've never been so busy in my life, and go figure it's when I'm most pregnant lol. I love busy, but I'm definitely noticing that I'm slowing down, it's hard for me to keep up.

Last weekend Mom and I were up in Waupaca for Kelsey's bridal and bachelorette party. It was, in July fashion, hot. BUT it was wonderful. It was great being up in Wisco and surrounded by family. It was my first bachelorette party ever and a blast. Alyssa did a really beautiful job for Kels, I really wish I could have gotten stinking drunk, but it was still sooooo much fun being with Kelsey and her friends. Plus, I got to rock out in a bikini on a pontoon boat. Life is good.

Kelsey and I at her bridal shower 

Kelsey floating on the wiener

SHOT SKI!

So wrong....so wrong

Sweet baby girl

How far along? 33 weeks 2 days

Total weight gain: Find out tomorrow
Maternity clothes?  Well, I discovered my jeans no longer kinda fit...
Stretch marks?  Tummy still looks good, however I feel like I wont be so lucky for much longer
Sleep:  It's really hit or miss at this point
Best moment this week: Spending time with friends and family in Wisco.
Miss Anything? Feeling like a normal human being
Movement:  Girl is busy
Food cravings: Decaf iced hazelnut coffee with 2 splenda
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope
Gender:  Scarlett Alexandra!
Labor Signs: No thank goodness

Symptoms: I'm so effing swollen :(
Belly Button in or out? I think it's going to pop out soon
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy
Looking forward to: Maternity pics tomorrow and lunch with Mrs. Reichert and Mama on Friday

Life, Love and Liberty - 32 weeks 4 days

Last week was my FAVORITE holiday, I love love love 4th of July. Under non-knocked up circumstances this day includes parades, booze, watermelon, BBQ and fireworks. Which are all of my favorite things. AND if I'm really lucky Wisco gets thrown into that mix. This year we went up to Waupaca to Aunt Linda's house (we went last year too!) normally it falls on the Sunday before the 4th but this year it was on the actual day. Unfortunately it was 104 degrees outside and humid, which is hell for me. Thank goodness for AC.

This was an extra special 4th of July this year, Aunt Linda, Aunt Terri and Kelsey threw me a baby shower for the family. After the usual BBQ lunch the ladies went downstairs and we had my shower. It was above and beyond what I could have ever imagined. I was just thrilled that I would be able to celebrate with my Wisco family because I knew it would be difficult for everyone to come down to Chicago for my Chase family and childhood/highschool/college/nursing friends baby shower. I thought we would all just be sitting together and chatting, I didn't expect it to be anything fancy. I was blown away, the colors were pink, white, red and black with polka dots. It was absolutely beautiful. Terri made chocolate covered strawberries and cherries and Linda had a baby buggy cake made for me AND homemade punch. She even made me a sash that said "Meet Baby Scarlett 9/3"

We played several totally darling games, and I really am slacking on my nursery rhyme knowledge...surprisingly. I was generously given incredible gifts for baby girl. Tons of books, diapers, clothing, blankets and more. Everything was wonderful. Arizona Grandma sent her gift out from AZ, I was blown away by what she gave baby girl; silver first curl and tooth boxes with her name on it. First gift that I've received that has her name on it AND from her Great Grandma. It means so much to me, I know that she'll treasure the gift when she's older. Great Aunt Glenna also got some tears (ok sobs) out of me. When I was born my great grandma made me a beautiful afghan blanket that I fondly called my "scuchy blanket" that I would sleep with. Great grandma passed away several years ago and thus her baby gifts of handmade afghans. I was honestly heartbroken at the perspective that Scarlett would not have her own afghan made by loving grandma hands. Her Gigi is making her a cross stitch blanket (her own tradition for 20+ years) which is stunning, but it's different than an afghan. Great Aunt Glenna made her great great niece an afghan blanket. Opening up the package sent me into tears of missing my own great grandma and feeling so incredibly lucky that she loves little lady enough to make her something so special. I'm in tears just writing about it. Great Aunt Jill also made a beautiful handmade scarlet covered hat and matching booties. So darling. I just feel overwhelmed with emotion from all of the love and support for her and I and every single gift and card we received. I know that every mother feels that there child is loved the most, but honestly, I think that Scarlett is the most loved child on this planet.

Car seat from the Brooks' girls

Darling clothes, diapers, booties, necklace, gift card from wonderful my aunts and cousins

Blankies!

Books

Aunt Glenna Blanket

Aunt Jill's hat and booties

Bath supplies

Opening up the sweetest cat jammies from Aunt Chris

Big hugs to my Great Aunt Linda

The rest of my week went by pretty well. except for the weekend. I worked on Friday and Saturday....on Saturday I was with Dr. Pio (poor Pio always gets the worst of me) and while I was on shift I ended up having an aura I guess. Out of my right eye I had a horseshoe shaped sparkly rainbow and lost all my peripheral vision neither of which has ever happened before. Sarah took my BP which was 153/98....now, as a preggo your BP is lower due to all the vasodilation going on, normally mine is 112/55. Having high blood pressure can be a warning sign that you're experiencing a very dangerous complication of pregnancy, preeclampsia. Sarah and Dr. Pio wouldn't even let me go to my own OB, I was wheeled right up to labor & delivery at Condell. My BP stayed high for about an hour and my aura lead to a horrible migraine (never had one of those before). Luckily my labs came back perfect and after some pushing was allowed to be discharged. HOWEVER when I got home I noticed my ankles were swollen with 3+ pitting edema, that was totally new for me. I called my OB, let her know I was in L&D at Condell being evaluated for preeclampsia and that I had the new onset edema. She told me to sleep on it and if it wasn't improved I had to go to L&D at Highland Park Hospital in the morning. Low and behold my ankles were still puffy so back to L&D I went, high blood pressure again as well. Spent a solid 4 hours being re-tested and monitored. Luckily everything is ok and baby girl is perfect. I just have to go in weekly now to have my urine tested for protein and have my BP monitored. Total pain in the ass but I feel better being monitored closely. Had my first check up yesterday and there was a little bit of protein in my urine but my BP is fine. I'm on a low sodium diet, 8 glasses of water, lay on my left side regime. 

Tomorrow Mom and I head up to Waupaca for Kelsey's bridal and bachelorette party, should be a wonderful and busy weekend. Lots of pictures to follow!

How far along? 32 weeks 4 days

Total weight gain: 2lbs in 2 weeks, I think I'm at 22lbs now? 24?
Maternity clothes?  Depends on the day, none of my cute summer dresses fit. Bummer
Stretch marks?  Not that I've noticed (fingers crossed!)
Sleep:   Horrible last night, had scary ass zombie dreams :(
Best moment this week: Get to see Matt twice this week, always a plus.
Miss Anything? Not getting winded while cleaning or doing anything really
Movement:  She is a nut today, not sure why
Food cravings: I wanted candy canes this morning, clearly not happening in July
Anything making you queasy or sick: Reflux is finally under control. Thank you Zantac!
Gender:  bebe girl
Labor Signs: Nope
Symptoms: Swollen fingers, feeling worrrrrn out.
Belly Button in or out? More shallow these days
Happy or Moody most of the time: Stressed earlier this week, looking better towards the end of the week though!
Looking forward to: Wisco!

Little love bean - 31 weeks even

Hurray for Sunday! It's my favorite day of the week, 9 weeks till baby girl graces us with her ever fabulous presence.  We had a good rest of the week. Yesterday I had my check up, lucky for me I get to do the treck every 2 weeks now! I know it's important to make sure lady is doing well, but it's such a waste of gas. I go in, pee in a cup (I've peed in more cups in the last 7 months than is necessary) I go get weighed, have my blood pressure done and then am left to my devices till the doctor comes in. She asks me how I'm feeling, measures my fundus, listens to her heart and done. The whole process takes less than 10 minutes. Unless, of course, they're running 45 minutes behind and I'm stuck in room three (that has the vagina art on the wall) and am stuck playing Bejeweled and humming. Prior to pregnancy when left in the room I would go through all the drawers, but now that I know what is in them all, it's no longer entertainment. Scarlett is cooking well, my fundus is at 30cm, aka 4in above my belly button and is now pushing all of my internal organs upwards. Sigh. Her heart rate is fantastic, as Dr. Kim said "She's strong...and feisty!" Yes, yes she is, she's her mother's daughter.  I expressed my concern on not being able to push her out my chacha , Dr. Kim laughed. Actually laughed. And informed me that my chacha will accommodate her body. I still disagree.

Currently my darling daughter is hiccuping slightly left of my belly button and getting increasingly irritated with them. She had them this morning for about 10 minutes, after trying to get her to move for her Papa he FINALLY got to feel her, hiccuping none the less, and also got kneed. She has been kneeing my left side most of the day, it feels like a smooth ball when she does it. There was lots of wiggling today, I had a bad night last night with my reflux, I was up just about every hour. She slept the entire time, I was actually concerned enough to poke her until she rolled over and fell back to sleep. She was then promptly up at 5am when I was trying to go back to sleep. I imagine her and I will be having conflicting sleep schedules.

Tonight we went of to the Albert's for dinner. My cousin Mimi was in town from New York and I haven't seen her since October. She has yet to meet the bump and was smitten with her cooking cousin. We had a full house, her boyfriend was there, Mimi's best friend Amy and her bf, my aunt, uncle, my parents and I. We had a cookout and thankfully ate inside the house. It was great catching up with everyone, I stuffed my face with desserts and decaf coffee....it was amazing. Mimi and Aunt Diane were able to feel baby girl. She didn't do much moving, but they were able to feel her whole big body. Mimi started crying, which in turn just about made me cry. I love how happy Scarlett makes everyone around her. She is just so wonderful. I just love my little bug. I'm already beginning to miss her neatly tucked in my belly, and the time we have before I got to bed when I just lay and enjoy her dancing around. It's such a unique and beautiful experience, I just love it. 

I'm gearing up for a busy week. Class/clinical Monday and Tuesday,  Forth of July/baby shower 1 on Wednesday, work this weekend and Chelsea's bridal shower. Lots of dress wearing and family and friends. 

How far along? 31 weeks even

Total weight gain: 6 since last time...ick
Maternity clothes?  Not currently, I'm in spanks and a dress
Stretch marks?  I don't think so
Sleep:   Not well at all last night
Best moment this week: Dad finally getting to feel his baby grand moving around
Miss Anything? A beer, I just wanted a beer tonight
Movement:  Busy little thing
Food cravings: Hmm, nothing new, just the usual
Anything making you queasy or sick: Reflux otherwise no
Gender:  girl girl girl
Labor Signs: Negative
Symptoms: This stupid reflux, also I get swollen fingers and the top of my feet.  Super goofy, super uncomfortable
Belly Button in or out? Still hanging out on in the inside
Happy or Moody most of the time: Kinda moody
Looking forward to: Seeing Matt tomorrow and of course the 4th!