Sunday, February 24, 2013

Half a year - 6 months old

Tomorrow my baby is going to be 6 months old. Sitting here I can't even believe it has been half a year. It has gone by so fast and has been the most incredible 6 months of my life. My little baby is getting so big, I miss her being itty bitty already.

 My sweet girl only 5 days old

17lbs of beautiful baby girl

I know that in six short months I will be sitting here and reflecting on her first year, so I am trying desperately to hold onto these fleeting beautiful months with my not so itty bitty baby.

She is currently swaddled napping away, Matt is 5ft away in my bed napping too and from the monitor I can hear the steady sound of both of them breathing and my heart swells. I love being her mama, I love watching Matt with her. She loves her daddy so much. When he comes home from work and she hears him, she lights up. He'll get close to her and she'll reach out both of her hands to cradle his face. I swear she waits all day for that moment, because for the rest of the night, he is hers. There is nothing in this life that makes my happier, seeing her with him, having the three of us together, because it makes her so happy to have both her parents. It is still overwhelming just how much I love her and how I want to spend every second of every day with her. I cherish every moment.

I've been back to school for 2 months now, and in 6 months (just 8 days before her birthday) I will be graduating with my master's degree. I can't believe that at 24 I will have earned my master's degree and not even have a one year old. This has been my dream. Raise a family, get my masters, become a nurse and be happy. I can't believe at 24 that I will have achieved that. Like I told mom yesterday, I am already looking forward to getting my doctorate and having more babies. I have never been more sure of myself and what I am doing in my life. It feels good to know that I have stumbled (incredibly ungracefully) down my perfect path. 

The last 6 months have had their ups and downs, but one thing is for certain. She is happy. She is healthy. She is perfect. Because of her I have grown up and become a better person. My mantra is to best by her. Behave, act and react by what is best for her. While I might not always keep my emotions in check (hello I'm a female) I always take a step back, apologized and continued on. I know that I will never regret my words or actions living this way.

At 6 months Scarlett continues to absolutely thrive and flourish in her beautiful little life. Raspberries are still her favorite, in between them she coos and makes her Scarlisaurus rex noises. She is always chattered, drooling and smiling her gummy smile from elf ear to elf ear. The last two weeks she has figured out how to sit up, and when she's not jumping in her bouncy like a mad woman, she is sitting and playing with her toys. She's figured out her hands to a T, although he depth perception is still a little bit off. She loves faces and is always putting a hand out to touch a cheek, grab your nose, or palm your mouth for a kiss. But her arms are crazy and you have to be cautious while walking around and carrying her because she'll grab the wall or the banister of the stairs and hold on for dear life. Mainly to scare the crap out of the person holding her AND for a good laugh. We started her on homemade solids this month. Once a day she'll get two ice cubes of either guacamole, squash or sweet potato. I'm in no rush to increase the amount or frequency, it's more for her to learn and to play. She's loving it.

I have been working on moving her to the cradle. While insanely weary because of her reflux, it was needed. Girlfriend cannot sleep in her car seat until she is 18. The transition is well....going. We went from her sleeping 11-12 hours straight a night, to up to a minimum of 3x. It's exhausting. Matt has been graciously tag teaming with me, taking turns rocking her back to sleep, changing diapers, more rocking. The worse was 8 times in 9 hours. She's still swaddled because her arms are crazy and she can't sleep. However, around 5-6am she can't stand being swaddled and more and spends the next hour in bed with me crazily smacking me in the face and herself. The sweetest though was last Monday. It had been another rough night and Matt was tag teaming. She woke up when Matt was leaving for work, she did her normal wake up routine where she babbles and coos to me, putting her palm on my mouth for me to kiss it. Matt said her name and she swung her head around to find him on the other side of her. She did her little excited wiggle, smiled and cooed at him, and with her other hand poked him in the eye and then put her palm on his mouth for him to kiss. She was on cloud 9, she had each of us on a side, kissing her little hands and smiling at her. She kept looking between us, giggling and blowing raspberries.

Life with her is wonderful. Here is to another six incredible months with Scarlett Alexandra.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The Year of Scarlett - 21 weeks 3 days

A new year, means a new start. 2012 was amazing in that it was the year my baby girl came screaming into this world. That was the best part of the year for certain. However, I spent the vast majority of the year focusing on making everyone around me happy, especially one person in particular. That bit me in the booty.

But now, now it's 2013! A brand spankin' new year. It has been dubbed "The Year of Scarlett". Like the whole Chinese Year thing, but not lol. I spent the last few months of 2012 focused on someone else, trying to pick up the pieces, and far too sad for my own good. Well. I'm so freaking over that. I'm done being sad. It's such a waste of time an energy. I am going to be happy and focus on the squishy ball of happy I'm blessed enough to call my daughter. I guess you can say it's my New Year's resolution. The Year of Scarlett. 365 days focused on that beautiful baby girl and her happiness, as well of mine. And 22 days in, damn it's been good.

Now I know that it would be ignorant to say that I will be happy all 12 months, every single day, every hour. And I'm sure 2013 will have it's sadness, tears and anger. I have a strategy to counteract unnecessary suffering. When I was little my papa taught me how to find beauty in anything. Even something that wasn't innately beautiful had something beautiful about it. It was all a matter of perspective, how you looks at something. Well, that's how I feel about situations that may make me feel sad, angry or just overall upset. I've been practicing turning the situation around and finding the positive instead of focusing on whatever the negative may be. I'm finding that I'm much happier and in a better place overall. I love this new outlook on everything.

So far it's been a wonderful 22 days. A lot of amazing things have already happened and I am so excited to see what the rest of the year is going to bring. I started back at school and it feels great being back. I'm starting to feel like I've gotten into a routine. I like the grind of school. There are some great people in my cohort who have really embraced me and made me feel welcomed. I'm grateful for that seeing as I knew no one walking in. I learned how to start IVs, which is totally badass. Besides school I'm happy being at work. I love the break from reality there, and challenging my mind. Other great things to happen? My good friend Sarah had her son last week, he is a true blessing and I CANNOT wait to get my hands on him. I've also spent a lot of time surrounded by my incredible friends and family. What more could I ask for?

Scarlett continues to thrive. She'll be 5 months this week! She is just this beautiful, vivacious little soul who makes everyone around her smile. She still rarely cries and 99% of the time is smiling and giggling. She's learned how to blow raspberries and will duel you. She also does a darling kissy face. Her feet are her absolute favorite to both play with and suck. We're still working on rolling over, but that huge noggin of hers is hard to move around lol. I love the time I get to spend with her and feel so lucky that 4 days a week its her and I (well...and her dad too). 

I love Friday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesdays. They're the days of the week that I have off and get to dedicate to Scarlett. Our typical day includes us waking up between 8:30-9, she nurses, I eat breakfast, she jumps and then we take our morning naps (oh yes I nap too). One of us gets dressed before noon, we switch off days. Somewhere in there I bathe. We play, visit friends or run errands all afternoon. Then in the evening Matt is here. We play, she takes a bath, nurses and goes to sleep. This is my favorite part of the entire day. Rockin' and readin'. I rock her in my rocker while she nurses and read on my kindle. It reminds me of when I was pregnant, when I would lay in bed and feel her move and tumble around with my arms hugging my belly. It was my selfish pleasure. I got to enjoy her all to myself, it was just her and my time. This is the closest I have to that. She's all snuggled against me, breathing in time, while we rock endlessly in by the kindle glow. I love it, I love every second of it. I think it's because I know it wont last forever.

Since it's getting close to Valentine's Day (one of my favorite holidays solely because of all the pink, hearts and chocolate) and being the beeb's first I'm going balls to the wall. Before she was even born my mom bought this googley eyes V-Day cards for her to send out. So we're doing V-Day cards with pictures of her inside. I did photoshoot one that we're not going to use in the cards, just more for my shits and giggles. The turned out darling, baby girl loves having her pictures taken.

Such a good representation of her

Want a kiss? Drool included!

Yes,  2013 has been good indeed!

Saturday, December 29, 2012

One Year - 18 weeks old

One year ago today.


One year ago today I found out I was pregnant.

It still blows my mind that an entire year has passed since that day my entire world changed. It feels like yesterday those little blue lines showed up. Literally the second it touched the stick. 

I didn't know then how much my life would be different. And just how much better it would become after the appearance of those little blue lines. I didn't know how much my heart would grow. I didn't know then that I would become the mother of the most incredible little girl in the world.

It hasn't been perfect. Hell, it's been tough between her father and I. But despite the bullshit with him, she is worth every tear I have shed over him. She is worth every time he broke my heart. She is worth dealing with his lies and deception. She is worth it 100 fold. And I would deal with it every second of it every day because it means that I have Scarlett.

My mom asked me if I knew where I would be now and everything I have been dealing with (w/ all of the problems w/ her father) would I have changed my decision. There was no hesitation in my answer. No. No. No. No. I wouldn't change a thing because it means that I have Scarlett. 

A year later I am stronger. I am wiser. I am a mother. I am happy. I am in love. I am 3 pounds lighter than I was before. I am home on a Saturday night and grateful for that. I am celebrating this milestone while welcoming Aunt Flo (touche body, touche).

I love every single day of motherhood. It's not always glamorous or easy. It's usually messy...but always filled with laughter, smiles, and love. Scarlett is such a gift. One I couldn't even comprehend a year ago.

She's 18 weeks old today. She discovered her feet for the first time today. Made her first snow angel today too. 

It's amazing how they change every day. I love watching her discover the world around her and herself. She has figured out she can reach, touch and grab toys. She will cradle my face in her hands. She has deep beautiful belly laughs where she closes her eyes and her body shakes. She is always smiling and sucking on her fingers. She is determined and stubborn. Her personality is incredible, I am lucky enough to watch it blossom every single day. I start my mornings with her and end my nights with her and fill my day with her in between.

I am so lucky.

I go back to school next Monday, ending my 19 week maternity leave. It's bittersweet. I feel so incredibly blessed to have had this time with her and be able to spend her first 4 months with her every single day, all day. But I am ready to go back to school and fulfill my promise to both her and I. In 8 short months I will be done with my master's degree. I will be able to give Scarlett and I the lives we deserve, and I cannot wait. It will be great being back in the swing of things juggling school, work and raising her. 

Here is to another year! A beautiful, messy, brilliant year filled with Scarlett.

Monday, November 12, 2012

My New Normal - 11 weeks 2 days

Sleeping has taken priority over writing in my life now, not that I don't get enough sleep (Baby girl now sleeps anywhere from 7-9 hour stretches) but I feel that the quality of sleep has declined. Scarlett is still sleeping in my room next to me in her car seat. Yes, car seat. Since 5 weeks Scarlett has been battling reflux. Any time she lays down flat she spits up. If she sits up too upright...projectile vomiting. Her optimal angle is roughly 45 degrees, and that's where her car seat comes in. She has been sleeping in it now, as a burrito, for 6 weeks now. And although she sleeps well now, I still find myself waking up anytime she changes postion, sighs in her sleep or her newest thing, talking while in REM. I wake up sporadically to place a hand on her chest to feel it steadily rise and fall. I even sleep with the closet light on, like I did as a kid, to see her anytime my eyes are open. I'm a tired momma.

I'm loving life as a mother. Being Scarlett's mom has been the biggest blessing in my entire life. I love everything that comes with this awesome responsibility, blow out diapers, stinky cheese neck, tiny dagger finger nails, big gummy smiles with clenched fists, burrito wiggles, bath time splashes, boogies, just everything. I know that every parent thinks that they have the most beautiful, most wonderful child...I am no exception, I think that she is the best ever. Her little personality is blossoming. She is stubborn, feisty and loving. She's a boob girl, hates bottles, and protests that you're denying her her boobies. She is always smiling, those big gummy smiles, eyes pinched shut and fists in a ball. Even after a first round of shots, she smiled at the nurse. She's a late nighter, late sleeper and is happiest when she wakes up. She screeches with joy when she gets changed in the morning. She babbles back to Matt and I. She rarely cries or fusses, that is just how happy she is. She is calm and tolerant as Matt and I fumble through being new parents, she just watches us with her big steel blue eyes, an amused smile on her face. Bath time is her favorite, she splashes with her crazy legs, purposely getting Matt extra wet when he washes her, I still think it's payback from all the poking and prodding he did when she was in my belly. She's can shove her whole fist in her mouth, proudly might I add. Her newest past time is to spit her sucky out, smile, wait for you to put it back in and do it all over again. She's a daddy's girl through and through. The minute she sees Matt she lights up. He is hers. And he knows that. She nuzzles him and whimsically falls asleep while he whispers in her ear. She watches him intensely when he plays her guitar while smiling each time he stops to look back at her. I love that she loves him, and love that he loves her so much.

I love my new normal. My days are surrounded by her, making her happy, helping her grow and flourish. We play, she nurses, she sleeps, we go out, see friends and go new places. I look forward to bed time the most when it is just her and I, snuggled in the dark, listening to classical music while we rock. It's hard for me to imagine that she has only been her for 11 weeks, it feels like she has always been intertwined in my life, I am so excited that I get to spend the rest of mine helping her grow up to be the amazing person I know she is already destined to be. 

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Scarlett's Birth - 3 weeks 5 days

Phew, it's taken me three and a half weeks to sit down and actually update this blog. The last 26 days have been a whirlwind, and absolutely beautiful, busy, wonderful whirlwind.

After 21 days of Braxton-Hicks (every 2-3 minutes, all day every day) I FINALLY went into labor. Finally. It started on the 24th when we were at dinner, I noticed that I was having intermittent menstrual cramps...I called the docs at 11:30 because it was happening every 20 minutes or so, and of course Dr. Becker says "Well come in when your contractions are every 5 minutes apart"...Uh, they've been every 2-3 minutes for 21 days, not really a good indicator. So we agreed that if the cramps got so severe I couldn't sleep I'd come in.

Insert 2:30am. Pain was still every 20 minutes, but horrible. No sleep. No relaxing. Now mind you I hadn't slept in 2 days because of the discomfort of my contractions and the huge belly I was lugging around. I dragged my butt into the shower to shave my legs and hooha, oh yes, 2:30am, contracting, cramping, can't see my vag and you better believe I was silky smooth and clean.

Mom and I headed into the hospital, I told Matt that night that I thought I was going to have the baby in the next 24 hours. Not sure if it was legit on my part or more wishful thinking. However, I didn't tell him I was going in, since I went into preterm labor I had been to L&D 4 times thinking it was "time", so there was no use getting everyone worked up when in the past I had cried "wolf" so to speak.

When we got there and the nurse checked me there was no change. Still 1cm dilated, -1 station and about 80% effaced. I lost my shit and broke down sobbing. I didn't understand how I could be in so much pain and have absolutely nothing happen. They decided to keep me for 3 hours to observe to see if anything was going on (besides the contractions every 2-3 minutes that the monitor was picking up). I sent mom home because I felt ridiculous making her stay when I knew they were just going to send me home. I was offered Dilaudid. This was perplexing to me. They give women Dilaudid snoozes, it either stops the crazy contractions or throws you into real labor. The nurse was perturbed that I refused this. I also refused the IV. I told her I didn't need to be drugged up if I was just going to go home, I also didn't want Scarlett getting such a strong narcotic medication. Plus, as far as I'm concerned I will only ever take Dilaudid if I feel like I'm going to die. Which I was pretty close to feeling that then...but not quite.

They came back and checked me 3 hours later. By now I was now having the cramps every 5 minutes and was in white knuckle pain. I went from the bed, to the rocker, to the ball without any resolve. When she did my internal exam nothing had changed. I was so distraught, I couldn't imagine being sent home feeling that horrible. I was offered Dilaudid again and declined. They wanted to keep me until 8-9am to have Dr. Becker check me before sending me home.

About an hour later I had enough, I was exhausted and in so much pain. I was laying in the fetal position, crying and holding onto the railings. When the nurse came in to check on me she got anxious seeing as how much pain I was in with still no change to my cervix. She disconnected me from the monitor and told me she was going to call Dr. Becker to see if she would come in early.

Around 7 Dr. Becker arrived, I was still pitiful, in bed crying. When she checked me she got upset. "Why aren't you connected to the monitors?" "She took me off because I've been on them since 3am with no change and the baby was doing fine." She called for the nurse and looked at me and said "You're almost 2cm, 100 effaced and I'm poking the baby's scalp."

She grabbed an internal monitor, put it on Scarlett's scalp and ruptured my bag of water. "Expect to have the baby in 12-15 hours. We're going to start some pitocin and get your epidural." I was in shock. And stupidly said "Wait, so I'm going to have the baby today? You're not going to send me home?"

They did not. My nurse started my IV and the pitocin and informed me I would have to wait till the anesthesiologist came in from home (my request woke him up and he lives 30 minutes from the hospital). Meanwhile, the cramping got worse and I eventually called the respected parties; my parents, Matt and his parents. This was around 8:30, I told them not to come in yet because this was going to be an all day process.

The anesthesiologist showing up was a godsend. Getting it placed was a bit nerve wracking, especially since your reflex is to jump when you get a gigantic needle shoved into your back. That sucker started working fast, I literally looked at Dr.Godsend and told him he was my new best friend. If my legs weren't completely numb, I could have gotten up and ran a marathon, that's how good I felt once it was placed.

Happy post-epidural face

Last photo of Scarlett in my belly

So I hung out, ate popsicles, enjoyed my lack of pain and took some cat naps. Mr. and Mrs. Reichert showed up at 2pm, Matt at 2:30 and my mom at 3. Dr. Kim was the on call OB for the day. When she came in at 2 she told me I was 3cm and to expect the baby around 6pm. I started laughing. I told her no way, that the baby wasn't going to be here before 9pm. I was checked again at 3pm, now 4cm. At 4pm I jumped to 7cm! Also, my epidural wasn't working on the left side of my body. The nurse anesthetist came in to assess me, turns out that sitting up isn't exactly conducive to a successful epi. All the drugs happened to be pooled in my ass. Making my butt incredibly numb, but everything else not so much. While he was fixing to add more drugs I told my nurse to check me again, even though it had only been a half hour later I told her I was fully dilated. Sure enough when she checked I was. She told me she was going to get Dr. Kim so I could start pushing. This threw me into a panic. It was only 4:30, I figured I would have a few more hours to prepare myself. Since my panic attack coincided with my adjusted epi and my heart rate sky rocketing to 150bpm they put me on high alert. I got a thousand questions asked about my heart, the nurse anesthetist was afraid I was throwing myself into SVT (supra ventricular tachycardia) WHICH made me panic more. It took him talking me down, and my mom, before I was able to get my heart rate under control and to be calmer.

Matt and Mrs. Reichert came back into the room, them plus my mom were who I wanted present for the birth. Each mama had a leg and Matthew was sent to my head with strict rules NOT to look. At anything. Unless permission was granted from me. Which was fine since he didn't want to look anyway. I'm glad the mamas were there. My mom coached and Matt made jokes, which I needed.

I hate when women say "I wont get an epidural because I wont know when to push." That's bull. I could feel every contraction, they didn't hurt, but I could feel them. Because they didn't hurt I was able to focus on my pushing. Pushing by the way sucks. I'm an instant gratification kind of person, so after 5 pushes she wasn't born I was getting fed up. Dr. Kim told me to expect to push for 1-2 hours. I was determined for 15 minutes, however, didn't quite work that way. It was lighthearted though, it was incredibly calm during pushing which I appreciated. Matt kept it light by making jokes, and Dr. Kim commented on my nicely shorn hooha, she asked if I got it done professionally before I came in and then her and the nurse had a good laugh when I told them I did it at 2:30am blindly.

My mom told me that I wouldn't care who was in the room when I pushed. That I wouldn't care who looked at my vag or if I pooped during labor. I told her she was crazy and I wanted no one to look, I wanted to be covered up if possible and do it in the dark. My mother was right. After 45 minutes of pushing I didn't care of the janitor was in the room taking video to put on youtube. I wanted her out so bad. I begged and pleaded with Dr. Kim just to get her out already, do whatever she needed, but to get her out. I was exhausted, frustrated and sore. I didn't yell, I didn't scream, I didn't even cuss at Matt. I just begged Dr. Kim. Eventually an episiotomy was needed (and I still tore). Once that happened I was able to give enough umph to get little lady out.

My world changed forever.

The second they told me to look down and grab my baby girl I lost it. I will never forget the way her skin felt the second I touched it, or the sound of her perfect little kitten cry that took my breath away. That was the moment I became a mother. I started crying and thanking God for her and repeating over and over again "I love you, Scarlett." I had loved her while pregnant, but it was nothing compared to the love I felt seeing her for the first time and knowing that she was mine and that I was going to spend the rest of my life raising and cherishing her.

A part of me, a part I didn't even know existed, became alive when she was born.

I'm not a religious person. I am spiritual and do believe in God. I have never been more confident in such things as miracles when I saw that perfect new little life. That somehow, two such flawed people can create something so pure, good and perfect is awe inspiring. It is something that cannot be explained to anyone who isn't a parent. Because it is impossible to understand until you are a part of that miracle taking place.

 Matt cut her cord, and she was measured and weighed. 7lbs, 12oz and 211/4 in. Born at 5:52pm (Before 6pm like Dr. Kim predicted) She was wrapped and placed into my arms to nurse and for me to get my first good look at her. She had a surprising head full of dark silky hair, which made sense given just how horrible my reflux was. Big inquisitive almond eyes. Cherub lips. And big full cheeks. 10 fingers. 10 toes. Absolute perfection.

I was elated to share that moment with Matt and our moms. Letting our moms be a part of their first granddaughter's birth, and insuring (in a way only a mother can do) that we both made it through the process safe and surrounded by love. Watching Matt hold her for the first time was beautiful. As a mother you feel this little life grow inside you, kick and stretch. Your attachment begins during pregnancy. As Matt had told me, "I wont really become a dad until she's born" and that's true. Watching him look at her, examen her little hands, kiss her head and fall head over heels in love with her made me love him. He called her his little "Nemo" because of her tongue poking in and out of her mouth.

After nursing her the grandpas, Tyler and Jess came in. My dad came in first and seeing him tear up over the sight of his new little girl brought me to tears. I was so happy to have everyone there, to hold her, to talk about who she looked like and love her. It was the perfect beginning to her incredible life.

I didn't sleep that night, making it three nights without sleep. But I couldn't. I was running on left over adrenaline. Matt slept in the bed in the corner, while I laid in the hospital bed holding her. Giggling over hiccups and listening to her soft breathing sounds. I didn't want to sleep. I just wanted to be with her. It was worth 9 months of pregnancy, 21 days of Braxton-Hicks, 11 hours of labor and 52 minutes of pushing. I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

Monday, August 13, 2012

No Sleep Till Brooklyn - 37 weeks even

Sleep is now a thing of the past. It's about 6:30am and I've already been awake since 4:30. I'm confined to my bedroom because mom is asleep on the couch downstairs. Which is insanely inconvenient when you're starved at 5:30 and have to tiptoe in attempt to make cereal without waking her up. Nowadays I'm somewhat of an overly ambitious elephant and make roughly as much noise. However, today I was successful in not waking her up while mowing down.

If she had been awake I would have sprawled on the couch to watch murder shows until I got sleepy again (at roughly 8) and went down for my morning nap. Instead I had to steal my computer (quietly) and return back to my room to dick around until I'm tired again.

I'm sleeping about 5 hours during the day, in 2-3 hour intervals, usually around 8am and again around 3-4pm. I don't understand why nap time goes over so amazingly but I can't for the life of me stay asleep at night. I'm not sure how many hours of sleep I'm averaging a night, but my guess is no more than 4-5 with constant breaks in-between.

The frequent naps are in part due to my discomfort and inability to sleep at night, but also the constant Braxton-Hicks that have been plaguing me now for 8 days. I didn't think something so stupid and non productive could make one so tired...or irritable. I'm exhausted and pissy. For all of those who've never had a BH contraction this is my best description: you're smuggling a watermelon under your skin, which is already heavy and pulling your skin uncomfortably you're going to burst. The watermelon also likes to squirm and pack a few kicks. A BH is SQUEEZING that watermelon under your skin with so much pressure that you are certain your stomach is going to explode like a bomb and watermelon guts will easily go a mile. Now, imagine this happening every 3-4 minutes without relief. Oh, and sometimes while you're being squeezed the watermelon is also moving at the same time. It's nearly impossible to get comfortable now, between the squeezing, abnormally large abdomen and complete awkwardness of my body. I spend a lot of time laying on my left side or on a giant blue exercise ball. Both take the edge off just enough so I don't scream. I would be much more tolerant of the BH if they were productive to dilating my cervix to get tiny human out..but they don't and thus are stupid. I would also be more tolerant if I could do anything other than walking to the bathroom and laying down without being thrown into a cluster of the super painful variety. Yesterday I was cleaning my apartment while mom and dad packed the car and paid for that movement for 3 hours or utter pain.

I'm sick of doing nothing. Im sick of being antsy and unable to anything.

8 days ago they thought (they being both my doc and the Wisco doc) that Scarlett would be born in the next 3-4 days, and if I was insanely lucky I would make it to 37 weeks. I had my mind all wrapped up and prepared to have a baby last week. Still no baby. Still no change. I'm losing it slightly. I'm glad she's still cooking but now my belly button is popped out which I'm 99% sure is synonymous with a turkey timer saying she's done. Amy thinks she's coming today, Matt thinks she's coming Wednesday, I'm thinking 2-3 weeks. The idea of 14-21 more days of this makes me want to sob uncontrollably. Sigh.

I'm hoping for a less eventful week than last week. I spend 3 days at the doc being checked and rechecked, each time being told I'll "know" when it's time. I have no freaking clue btw. My plan is to finish getting all of Scarlett's things in order while unpacking my apartment things and putting them away here. Oh, and also finish my school work. None of those things seem plausible with the discomfort I'm in, but I'm going to make a valid attempt. Maybe I will succumb to watching shark week and bouncing on my ball.

I've more or less become a hermit too. I feel bad, but I really just don't want to see anyone. I don't feel good, I'm uncomfortable and snap incredibly easily. The only person I can really tolerate is my mom, I make her spend endless hours by my side because she makes me feel less miserable. I don't want to see any of my friends. I don't want to see any of my family. I don't even want to see Matt. Actually, he is one of the last people I want to see right now. I feel bad, but he irritates and frustrates me right now, more so than ever. And it sucks because I want him to be attentive to both me and his unborn child and I can barely get a word out of him. Thinking about it just makes me sad and perpetuates the irritated and frustrated towards him. I honestly wonder if I'll even see him now before the baby is born. I'm just tired of putting in 150% and getting 50-70% with him. I just hope things change once she's born.

Well, now is about the time I have to go to the bathroom for the second time this hour, turn some Anthony Bourdain on and snuggle down on my side. Baby girl is wide awake so I need to give her some lovin. I am so flipping excited for this pregnancy to wrap up and be sleepy, irritable and worn out because I have the most incredible little love in my arms. Geez. She's going to be here before I know it. :)

Photo from Kelsey's rehearsal dinner

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Dear Scarlett - 36 weeks 3 days

Dearest Scarlett,

I have now been having Braxton-Hicks contractions every 2-4 minutes for the last 5 days. You gave us quite a scare on Sunday, we were in Waupaca, Wisconsin for Kelsey's wedding. Saturday I ended up having to leave the wedding early because you and I were struggling with swelling and a hard belly. I went to the hospital Sunday to get checked out for my headache and belly pains...turns out I was having contractions every 3 minutes or so. Here I was, thinking you were being all sassy sticking your butt out, but in reality you were being squashed by my uterus. When the doc examined me he found that I was 70% effaced, roughly 1cm dilated and your head was low. Chaos ensued because they thought you were coming...that night. No time for me to be sent home, we had to be admitted. Your Daddy had to scramble to get up to Waupaca (he made it up in 4 hours, hungover and only bringing headphones!), Tyler drove 6 hours, picking up your car seat and grabbing a few come home outfits for you. After 18 hours of fluids, antibiotics and impatiently waiting, nothing happened. Absolutely nothing besides me being grumpy and crampy. Dr. Charlie told us to expect you 3-4 days later.

5 days later. You're still not here.

Tuesday we spent the day in L&D, still contracting every few minutes but now 90% effaced. After 10 hours there, still no change. Today...still no change but still contracting. I've tried walking, drinking water, bouncing on a labor ball and still a whole lot of nothing. The doctor said it is unusual to be contracting like this without change but I will KNOW when real labor starts. (I don't understand how since I've been thinking for 5 days that is what is going on)

I thought for sure you were impatient to get your little booty out here. Your Daddy has even proclaimed for weeks that you'll be here early (He wants you to wait until next Wednesday). But as I am learning you are running on your own time and you'll get here exactly when you want to be here. Which I'm sincerely hoping is soon (you can wait till next Wednesday, that's fine). The nurse in me knows how important it is that you stay cooking as long as possible, that every day you hang out snuggled safely inside me is another day you grow healthier and stronger. But I'm exhausted from all of the contracting. The impatient mama in me wants you out yesterday and in my arms. Someday when you're waiting for your first born to make his or her appearance you'll say the same thing to me which is "Do whatever you need to but get this child out." This includes taking your crazy uncle up on an offer to use cattle chains to pull you out or your mother's offer to use a plunger to suck you out. You'll laugh at that when you're in your beginning of pregnancy, proudly rubbing your tiny little bump and think to yourself that you wont feel that way...but you will. Want to know how I know this? Because my mother told me I would feel this way some 20 weeks ago. You wont believe me until you have your own little one but your mother is always right. Gigi is always right, and I will also always be right. Some things you just need to learn from living I guess.

So now we wait, my little love, until you decide it's time to grace us with your beautiful presence. Your Gigi and Papa are getting squirrelly, Uncle Tyler is a bundle of anticipation and your Daddy is getting nervous and trying to find a new place to live. And I, well, I'm sleeping, eating tomatos and rubbing you from the outside. You are busy and moving a ton, I like to think you're smiling about all of the fuss going on out here while we wait for you. Hurry up!


Your insanely impatient mother